Rain, Rain, Stay All Day

Hello there. So, I came onto here today to look at my stats and everything, and realized that I haven't blogged since July, which was a while ago. So, things are still happening differently, of course. How could they not? Today has been a chilly rainy day, and considering where I live, I am extremely thankful for the lack of heat today. It has been raining on and off since there is a hurricane brewing, Hurricane Sandy. Everyone is enraged because most likely we will have school tomorrow, even though everyone else is closing. Being a senior, and being that all of my sick days for this semester have been used up, I cannot miss school tomorrow, which sucks, but oh well.

So, school is going well. I am extremely stressed out though,and I don't even have the stress of having to apply to college this fall. I am applying next fall, so I am taking my year off, to relax before I head off to college to get my Ph.D. 

I have been trying to write lately, but for some reason I am having trouble getting anything out. I am blocked, and I can't seem to break it, and I've been stuck with this writers block since my writing class at Brown ended. I need some inspiration.

In other news, Oct. 5th was my b-day, and I am now legally an adult. I get to vote this year, though I really don't want to all that much. Things aren't really different, though every time I think about my age, I do feel a little bit different.

Currently, I am freezing. My school always decides to turn on the AC on the days where it is raining outside, and on the days when it's hot out, they tend to shut off the AC, though why I have no idea. But it sucks. I am wishing they were, not even running the heat, but just would shut off the AC. By the way, I know that last sentence was gramatically incorrect, but I really don't feel like fixing it right now. As for the love life, it is pretty much the same. Not completely though. Things are a bit different. So as you all know, if I did actually blog about it before, Gamer is back in my life. He and I are talking a lot more than before. He's a bit different. He still gets mad, but not as often, and we stop ourselves before we argue a lot more. He's more understanding and even though he is still super busy, he tries to make time for me. It's really nice. He informed me, though the word informed sounds wrong, that he still has feelings for me, and would like to try again in the future. I do still have feelings for him, but right now any time the future comes up, we both decide to not talk about it, and take life one day at a time. I am enjoying this a lot more. It's nice, for once, to not think nonstop about the future. He and I are not dating, we are just friends for now. It may not always be like that, but for now it is. And like I mentioned, we do still argue, but we are working on controlling our instinctual reactions.

Well, I am going to go. I am freezing right now, and my battery is low. I will try to blog more though, as I really do miss it. Maybe writing about myself will help me break this writers block I am stuck in, and I can throw a story or two out there. *crosses my fingers* I hope so.

Bye for now!

I'm just....

 Really tired.....

Why Can't Everything Just Fucking Be Good?!?!

So, as usual, nothing is going right. I should be really happy right now. I am at an amazing school, taking college credit courses. I should be happy. But of course, my happiness can never last because my FUCKING BRAIN HATES ME! I want to tear my fucking skin off, I'm so angry right now. I miss my family, for starters. I havn't seen them in 3 weeks, which for most people, that's nothing. But for me, who is always with them, it's been an eternity. I still have 4 weeks before I get to see them again. I miss them so much, it hurts. I miiss my brother, and my mom and my dad. Another thing, I found out just yesterday, that my mom has been going to the Emergency Room, because she is sick and the doctors don't know what is wrong with her. That alone is bad enough.

Next, Badass and I broke up, again. I now have a new boyfriend. A boyfriend who has been my boyfriend before. He was my first boyfriend. I will call him Fae, which you will only understand from how we first met. Fae and I first met when we were 6 years old. At my 7th birthday party, he became my first boyfriend. When I turned 8, I moved. We wrote to eachother for about a year, and then I stopped recieving his letters. According to him, they were all getting returned to him, and he never got my letters. Well, we are together again. After 10 years, we are back together, and it's like nothing I've ever experienced. He actually cares about my education. None of my past boyfriends could have cared less if I failed school, or didn't make it Ivy. Well, Fae does. He puts my schoolwork first, which is amazing. He supports me and encourages me. It's such a good feeling, knowing he will put my schooling before us. He's great. However, of course, there is a flaw. It seems that he doesn't have time for me. He goes to work at about 11pm and doesnt get home until around 7am, his time, because there is an hour time difference. Well, he comes home, sleeps most of the day, then goes and hangs out with his friends. Which means that I barely get to talk to him, and when I do, it's only for about 15 minutes or less, because then he has to go get ready for work. There have been times when days will go by and I don't hear from him at all. It's not working for me. So that is a huge problem.

The next issue would have to do with college. I have to start applying soon. Well, things with my gpa havn't been the easiest for me. To put things straightforward and simple, he doesn't think that my application would be good enough for the ivy's. He doesn't think my community service hours are good enough because my community service didn't change the world. He is trying to get help for me, by hiring a college counselor to help me strengthen my application. What he doesn't get, is that I know what that he's trying to help, but I don't want that. I can't help but start to shut down when he brings it up, because.... School has always been the ONLY area in my life where I have always been confident. And he ruined that confidence by saying it's not good enough. My grades aren't good enough. My schooling isn't good enough. I have been an honor roll student my ENTIRE LIFE so far, I have 189 community service hours, which were spent at the hospital, and it's not good enough. Apparently, to get into an Ivy, I need to change the world first. Well, it's not going to happen. Most Ivy league teachers didn't go to ivy's. They went to regular college. Well, if going to an Ivy means that i need to make myself unhappy, I don't want to. I am not going to make myself feel like shit, just so I can go to a college with a good reputation. Fuck that. My happiness is more important than a colleges name on my resume. He even suggested I take a year off before applying so I have time to strengthen that application. I've actually wanted to do that for a while, but not for those reasons, but having him suggest it, was insulting to me. It was like, I'm so horrible that I need an entire year to make it all better and wrap it all up in a little bow. I'm fucking trying! It's so hard though. Especially when I have all this pressure on me. Everyone expects greatness from me. They expect me to go Ivy and become super successful. No wonder I don't want to be an adult yet. I don't want to! I want to just be a stupid irresponsible teenager for once in my fucking life. And I've never been that. It's always been school this, school that. Don't break any fucking rules. Don't do anything stupid. Be responsible and smart 24 fucking 7. Well I am sick of it. I want to take a year off, but not to make my application better. I want to get a job, so I can start to build a resume, so that after college I can actually get a job. Imagine that. But I also want to have some fun too. I want to go Ivy. I want the best education I can get, but I don't want everyone cramming it down my throat. I want it to be a good experience, not something I end up resenting because trying to get in made me feel like a worthless piece of shit.....
Well, that's that. I am going to go now, because I feel like my head is going to explode. Thanks for letting me vent...

How I feel right now...

Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day everyone. Thank you to the men and women who have risked their lives protecting us.
Check out my youtube tribute video I made for Memorial Day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdO-RbjlfU8

RIP all of those POW/MIA's.

Bringing Out My Inner Stephen King...

Well, I'm back. Havn't blogged in a while. So, lately I have been really busy with school as well as with SAT and all that stuff. Despite how busy I have been, I'm still not stressed out at all, which makes me feel wonderful. I love not feeling stressed. And I'm still feeling really happy lately. I must say, this happy outlook is really making life much more fun. So also, due to my busy schedule, I havn't been doing any creative writing lately. Makes me sad.  I miss writing. Thankfully though, I applied to Brown to take two classes over the summer. I signed up for a WWII history class and a creative writing class. I can't wait. I miss writing so much. I love being a part of writing classes, because I always come up with better work when I have a deadline. The word deadline, when it comes to writing, unleashes all my creative juices, and I love it. So, I am looking for writing prompts. I need to start writing. I can feel it in me. I need to write. I just need some ideas of what to write about. Maybe I'll sign up for an online writing course soon. Not sure, but I really need to write. As Stephen King said, a true writer will write something every day, even if they have nothing to write. So write I must!

Since I Am Dead, I Can Take Off My Head, and Recite Shakespearian Quotations...

So, school is almost over! Only 25 more days and then I am out for the summer. Yipeeeee!!!!!!!!!! Today is my Holocaust studies teacher's birthday, so last night I made 48 red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. I am going to give him 24 cupcakes, and then I brought a dozen cupcakes for my english class to eat, because I am a nice person, and as much as I LOVE cupcakes, I really don't need them. :p
So Jack Skellington's birthday is coming up soon. Now of course, I expect you all to know, from my last blog, that when I say Jack Skellinton, I don't meen the movie character, I am using the name for someone in my life. Just clarifying. His birthday is in July. I really want to go to his birthday, for I havn't seen him in 6 years, and he is extremely important to me, but I don't know if it would work out. How to get there and back, considering I don't yet drive. Could pose a problem. I don't know. Hopefully something will work out. And if I can't make it, I am supposed to meet up with him mom and little sister for coffee sometime this summer, when I am up north, so I can just give his gifts to them. I have two portraits that I've drawn of him, and a HUGE tim burton collage that I am making him. It's fun. I love collaging. Well, I am going to go. Class is going to start soon, and I need to go guard the cupcakes and make sure no one eats them.:p

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Things Are Going To Get Better. I Can Feel It.

Something has changed in me. It's as if I've woken up from a three year long fog. This calm was come over me, and I feel good. I don't know what happened. I just know that it's good. I'm seeing everything differently. I look around my class and seeing everyone, i no longer feel disgusted, but happy. I like the people in my class. And when I graduate, I will miss them a bit. Everything just seems better. I'm excited. All this crap from before, Gamer, Bestie, none of it matters anymore. So what? I'm over Gamer. I'm over caring about this Bestie thing. I'm fine with it. I'm moving on and it feels great. The year is almost over. In October, I will turn 18 and I'll be starting my senior year. I feel excited. I'm looking at the world from a new perspective. I'm changing. I'm so excited about everything. Life is good and it's going to get better. I can feel it! I'm really happy. But not like a mania. A calm, relaxed happiness. Everything is okay. I'm over all of it. This stuff I've been upset about and stressing about means nothing. I have so  much happiness that I want to burst. Being stuck in schools seems like a waste because there is so much I can be doing right now. I'm happy. I'm changing things. I have a new friend. She is SK's(Shiny Knight) gf. I'll call her Vivacious. She is really awesome. At first I thought I would hate her, because she's my ex's new gf, but I really like her. She is easy going, and has a similarish personality to me. It's nice having someone to talk to. A nice fresh start. I'm very thankful. I have to go. Class just started. Hasta luego!!!!! :D

Erase Me From Existance

Have you ever been erased from existance? Deleted from someone's life. I'm sure you have at least once. Gamer, as you know if you have read my last blogs, has told me he doesn't want me in his life. Well yesterday, Gamer and I talked, and it didn't seem to end on a bad note. Then today, I realized that he has deleted me not only from DA but also from FB... And for some stupid reason it hurts. It hurts knowing that the guy I've spent the last two days MAKING a card for (by hand) is literally deleting me from his life. And the worst part is, he won't tell me why. He won't talk to me.  I don't understand. I realize that I hurt him, but I wish he would give me a fucking chance to say what I need to say to him. He acts like the whole thing is my fault. It's not. He is part of the reason I broke up with him in the first place. He wasn't around enough. Never paid enough attention to me... And he blames me for the whole thing. What the fuck is wrong with him? I don't understand. He said we would be friends, and that we would try dating again in the future and now he's kicking me out of his life and I don't know why. I guess he just hates me, like most people do. I wish someone would just tell me why for once.

I Miss Him Already

So, life is okayish I guess. Not the best. Yesterday absolutely sucked. School was okayish yesterday, but it wasn't the best. I couldnt talk to Bad-Ass much. Then his dad told him he is no longer allowed to bring his phone to school. Which sucks. Then I lost my ring that Bad-Ass gave me, and still cannot find it. And then to top it all off, our cell phones have been shut off because we don't have the money to pay it. FML.

It sucked to say the least, and now today I am still pretty sad. I can't talk to my boyfriend anyway but with emails now, which sucks a lot. But he and I have been through that before, so it should be fine. Until then I just have to try as hard as I can to not miss him too much, which is proving to be difficult. Saw Psych wed. It was okayish. We talked about a lot of different stuff. It was sad bringing it all up and I got a little emotional, but didn't lose it. We talked about considering medication, again; I'm still a little unsure about the whole medication thing.

Well, I guess that is really all for now. My grandparents are taking me to see the orchestra tonight, so I'm excited.

Bad-Ass, I love you tons and I miss you already so much. This sucks and I can't wait till my phone is back on so I can call you. I love you!!!

Later

Something For The Pain, Just To Kill This Feeling

Hey. So last night sucked completely. Gamer has found a new girl at his school that he likes. I will call her Tyme. Tyme is like his perfect girl, geeky, videogame player, draws anime. Yeah she's great. Well, I guess he got sick of hearing me complain because I am jealous and stuff, because you know I love him. So, he sent me a text message asking me to forget about him and to not talk to him anymore. So he doesn't want me in his life, just like Bestie doesn't. And the worst part. My dream is really happening. It was Gamer, Bestie, Bad-Ass and a few other people. And what happened in that dream? Bestie and Gamer both got in the car and left me. The only difference is Gamer told me that he wasn't ever going to leave me. Well, surprise!!! So needless to say, last night I kind of had my first breakdown in a while. I was happy. I thought things were finally starting to work out. I was adjusting fine to not having Bestie anymore, and I was happy about school and things were starting to get good. But life can't let me be happy for longer than a day, so of course I had to have one of the most important people in my life tell me to stop talking to him.... Of course, I am hurt. My insides feel as if they are tearing apart and my heart has sunk faster than the Titanic. It hurts a lot. I really can't stand this. I am so sick of being so unhappy. Why can't I just be happy? I don't understand. If someone could at least give  me a reason why I need to lose everyone I care about, it would make it a bit easier. Because I can't even think of a reason why all this is happening to me. I need it to stop though so I can live my life in some state of sanity. But I don't know if that is going to happen. Until then, I get to feel really sad. The scary part is I am getting so used to being upset that last night after the initial heart tearing to shreads, my whole body went numb much faster than it ever has before. It's just great... Well, I have to go. School starts at 8 and I need to head to class.

I can do this.
I can get through it.
I am strong.

Wish me luck.

Except for You and Me Love, Everyone Is The Same

Aloha!!!!! So today is Spaghetti dinner at my school which is this dinner thing run by the junior class, which is me. Yay!

So, in other breaking news.... Well, not much has changed. I am listening to the best song ever. You should listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcrpp7bDh9Y . So listen to it. It is by the band Rise Against. Great band. It's because of Gamer that I know who this group is for it is his favorite band, and I understand why. I've been listening to nothing but Rise Against for the past 4 days straight... Yeah, I'm having a mini Rise Against obsession. It's good music. But out of all the songs I've heard from Rise Against, this is my favorite song so far... Awesome.

So, Valentines day was yesterday. It was bad. Bad-Ass and I got into a mini argument and it sucked. But then I got home and my whole day brightened because my gifts from Bad-Ass had showed up and I got to open them on Valentines day which was awesome. So it definately ended well. It was a good day in the end. It was very nice. So I have to go, because school starts in 10 minutes and I have to be in class in 5.

Oh yeah! And to show what a dork I am. Tomorrow my mom and I are going to see Brett Michaels at the Hard Rock. Yes I know cheesy. For those of you who don't know who that is, look him up/ look up the band Poison. Hahaha. Cheesy big haired 80's rock. I can't wait!!!! :p 
Later.

I'm Not Gonna Write You A Love Song

Hello there! So, valentines day... *sigh*

Okay, to get right into it I guess I will say, I don't like Valentines day. I really don't. Which may seem odd to some of you that know me because you know what a romantic I am. However, I really don't like Valentines day, and I never really have. Ever since I can remember valentines day was a day dedicated to "love" (not really) a day made for all the people in the world to show their love to others. And that's really nice. It is. The reason why I hate it is very simple. Ever since I was little it was always me watching everyone else be all lovey. Watching all the other girls in class get valentines because boys liked them, where I only got valentines because it was manditory to give everyone one, so that they didn't feel left out. Well shocker, I felt left out. Even today, 6 years later, I still feel left out. Yes I have a boyfriend. Bad-Ass is the best, and I love him tons but he's not here. So while at school, I get to listen to everyone talk about their valentines day plans with their bf's/gf's and I get to watch the school couples be all lovey dovey. And I, once again, get to feel left out. It's not Bad-Ass's fault. He lives super far away. I'm not mad at him or anything I'm really not. Location sucks. Oh well. I just hate the fact that all the single people and all the LDR people have to sit here and watch everyone bask in the love, while we get to sit here wishing (for the LDR people) that our loved one was with us so we could do something special. I want to do something special for Bad-Ass. I really do. Make him dinner and watch a movie or something, I don't know. Kinda hard to do thought when you are so far away.

Bad-Ass, I love you tons. Happy Valentines day.

For everyone else, happy valentines day. Hope your day doesn't suck as much as mine will.
Until next time.

Stand Here Until I Fill All Your Hearts Desire

Hey there. So I know that I havn't blogged in a while. So sorry about that. I've been pretty busy lately living life. How complicated everything is. So life is goodish I guess. It has been raining a bit down here which makes me really happy because I love rain. The sky has been a constant beautifully gloomy shade of gray. I love it. Things with Bad-Ass are wonderful as always. He really is a wonderful guy, and I am so thankful to have met him. He makes me extremely happy and I am very pleased to be able to put a smile on his face every single day as well. It's nice to be loved and to love someone in return. All you need is love!


Speaking of love, a lost love has come back into my life. I don't think I've mentioned him on here before. I will call him Jack Skellington, due to his love of The Nightmare Before Christmas (best movie ever. I love Tim Burton.) So Jack Skellington was my boyfriend in 6th grade. Yes quite a while ago. He and I were together for a year, which was like an eternity in that grade. Well, he and I broke up after a year because of the whole Bitchcuntwhore incident...And then I moved away. To lovely Arkansas. Yes it was a huge mistake. Anyway, he and I didn't talk for a year, and then we suddenly merged back into eachothers lives, then after a few months we got into a huge fight and didn't talk to eachother for another year... You see this would be the beginning of our pattern. This is what we have been doing for the past 6 years. We talk a little, fight, then vanish. Well, he is back again and things are already a little iffy. I'm getting very annoyed with him already, but then again it's not his fault he is so busy. A job does that to you. Well, he's back and I am enjoying talking to him, because I really did miss him, and he is one of my best friends, and he knows more about me than anyone else on the planet does. He knows what I'm thinking before I do. And in a time when I am losing friends, keeping one wouldn't be that bad of an idea. Yeah I said losing them. Bestie and I are on a rocky ledge. A few days ago I gave her a peace offering, but she hasn't said anything about it or gotten back to me on it so I don't know what is going  on with her, but I have a feeling I'm losing my best friend.

In other news, I guess life is okay. Things are okayish. Well, things suck, but I can take it. I'm tough. SK has a new girlfriend, which when I found out it actually kinda tore me apart. It's a really long story about why it hurt so much, but I'm not going to write about that right now, because I am in school, and if I write about that I will cry. So I am going to pass.


I guess I am okay. I'm not horrifically crumbled but I am doing okay. Life is so difficult though. I feel so worthless some times. And then to top it off last night I had a horrible dream. Bestie, Gamer, Bad-Ass, Jack Skellington, and some other people from school that I've never talked to before were in it. It started out good with me hanging out with Bad-Ass, but then it got bad when his father as well as mine started making fun of us. Like, mean making fun. Then the dream changed and I was with Bestie and a bunch of her new friends. Gamer was there too and so was his awesome mom. That's also the part that Jack Skelllington was in. So we were all sort of hanging out and Bestie wasn't really talking to me. Then her friend pointed out that I looked a bit sad, so Bestie asked if I wanted to go to the carnival with them. I said sure but when we got to the car I  could see I wasn't going to fit with all of them. So I turned around and started walking away. They left me. Gamers mom was there and asked were everyone had gone. I told her they left me to go to a carnival and she appologized then asked were Gamer was. I told her he went too. She got upset at that saying that he should have stayed and hung out with me like a gentleman (which he most likely would have done in real life.) I then decided to walk home. I think my dreams are trying to point out the obvious. I am terrified that I am losing all of my best friends. I hope that doesn't happen. I barely have any friends as it is. I can't handle losing the ones I do have.

Until next time.
 Bye

P.S. listen to this song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoyyr1SFPCY

Hehehe

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!!!!!!!  ^____^

Do You Feel Like A Puzzle, You Can't Find Your Missing Piece?

Hello again. So, today is really just a normal day, however I do have some new news. For starters, you remember that short story I wrote about a while back, the one about a sociopathic doctor? (Blog was called Assuming The Mind Of A Slightly Disturbed Individual). Well, anyway, the point is that I have started to add more to it. I decided that the story isn't done. There needs to be more, so more I will create. It should be fun because once again I need to learn how to think like my character. I'm actually really excited about it. I was telling Bad-Ass about it last night, and reading to him what I've written so far and I honestly started to freak him out, which is a very good thing considering the story is supposed to be creepy. I'm very proud of that story. Now the only problem is that now that I am starting it again I need my SK (Shining Knight, remember him?) to come back and help me out with it. But he and I aren't talking right now for some reason. We got in a mini disagreement, and then he vanished again. Sucks a lot. But hopefully he will come back at some point and then he can help me out with the story.

So, I am going to speak about Bad-Ass for a bit. He's back in my life which I wrote about a couple days ago. Yay! I'm happy. Not that we ever really stopped talking, but now things are just like they always were, which is great. That awesome compatibility we've got. I'm happy. He's around, and things are good. He's been a bit sad lately, but I've been trying as hard as I can to help him with that. Besides the sadness, things are really good. We both want be be back together, but I need me time. If it weren't for that "me" time I would be with him again, but I seriously need time to think about things. I'm really happy though that's he's around and that things are working. Makes me feel so much better about things. He's thinking about the future, as he always is, and we are back on the track that we will date in college, since that's the best idea, due to our distance (location wise). He's going to start blogging again soon which makes me feel great. He and I are pretty much together but not. The way we talk to eachother is just as if we were together, but we aren't. Yeah, it seems kinda odd to treat eachother how we would together, but not actually be together. It's all my doing. Part of me is also scared of failure though. I have my super low self-esteem, and I'm terrified I will fuck things up with the one guy I've found who truly loves me and cares about me. So, my fears are kind of holding me back. I want things to work with him, and I have no faith in myself for that to happen. He thinks we will work, but I know how much I fuck things up. I will try to be better though. Psych says I need to stop being so self-critical, which is true. I tear myself apart. I am my worst critic. Everything I do or think, I criticize. I will try to work on that, but no promises... Anyway, the point is that I am happy and that is a good thing. Everything unhappy that is trying to weasle it's way into my life can fuck off. I am good. It's going to stay that way, I hope. I really don't need the depression kicking in. I would love to have it stay away for a while. I would say forever, but I know that is not realistic. Hopefully the writing will get me back on track. It is a great distraction. It takes up time, which is what I need. So wish me luck with the story.

Bad-Ass, I love you!!!!! Blog please. I need to read more of your blogs. Also, you think we should start working on our collaborative blog again? I lurv yew. <3

It's Like A Picture Of A Loved One In Disguise

           Okay, well, last time I wrote was right before New Year's. New Years was wonderful, as it always is. ^__^ So, once again things are changing, growing, restarting. First of all, our cat, Luna, died. She had been with us for 11 years of my life. Very sad change in our life.

            Other things, Bad-Ass is back, thought he never really left, and things with him are the same. Things with him never really changed much. Even though we broke up, we still talk to eachother every single day, and get along great. He's my best friend, which is really all I can ask for, so I am happy. Screamo is here but not really. He keeps popping back up every now and then, and then disappears quickly. Oh well. I mean I miss him, but it didn't work out. So, what is supposed to happen will happen, and I can't really change it.
            
            As for the depression, it is of course still here, considering it will never go anywhere, but I'm doing pretty good so far. Talking to Psych is really helping me out, and I'm considering looking into medications, because I do realize that my problem is a chemical/biological thing that I can't change based on sheer will; it is something that needs to be taken care of chemically. I am still seeing Psych (at my school) and just like when I first started, I don't really like the fact that I have to see her at school, because I don't like having to miss class once a week and I don't like it because what if I break down? Then I have to go through the rest of my classes with people looking at me due to my red tear streaked face. Not cool. Makes me feel embarassed and ashamed. So my dad is helping me look for a psychologist that I can start seeing outside of school, which I am actually really excited about. I'm always reading books, since I'm a bookworm, and in them, people always hate their psychologists, but I actually really like mine. I enjoy talking to her. It calms me, which is kind of what it's supposed to do I guess. I am thankful for it. So hopefully, my depression will stay calm and not attack me anytime soon. I would really appriciate it.

           School is the same. Since it's a new semester I have started my Holocaust studies class. I am enjoying it so far. My grades are doing well, everything school wise is good. I'm still extremely stressed about the SAT's though.

          So back to Bad-Ass for a bit. He is going to start blogging again which is great. He asked me back out and I almost said yes. He's been there for me every single time I've needed him. He's always there for me, which I could use. But at the same time, the reason why I said no, is not because I don't want to be with him, because I do, but because I have decided, after Screamo broke up with me, that I need to take some time for me. I need to focus on my problems and try to fix them. I need to learn how to not be so self-critical, because I tear myself apart. I can't love someone and help them if I can't love and help myself, so I am going to start working on that. I think things will work out well. I am feeling confident, which is not an emotion I am used to.

       Pretty much, I am doing pretty good. For once. Yes I am still unhappy. Last night I actually had a very unhappy dream which helped me realize something HUGE that I need to overcome. The only problem will be overcoming it. It's not the easiest thing to confront, but I have to confront my relationship with my mother. My dream last night made it very clear that I need to try to fix that. So wish me luck!

       Bad-Ass, since I know you are reading this, as you always do, I want to remind you. I love you. Thank you for always being here for me, and not giving up no me like so many others do. Thank you for showing me you really care. You give me hope.