Why Can't Everything Just Fucking Be Good?!?!

So, as usual, nothing is going right. I should be really happy right now. I am at an amazing school, taking college credit courses. I should be happy. But of course, my happiness can never last because my FUCKING BRAIN HATES ME! I want to tear my fucking skin off, I'm so angry right now. I miss my family, for starters. I havn't seen them in 3 weeks, which for most people, that's nothing. But for me, who is always with them, it's been an eternity. I still have 4 weeks before I get to see them again. I miss them so much, it hurts. I miiss my brother, and my mom and my dad. Another thing, I found out just yesterday, that my mom has been going to the Emergency Room, because she is sick and the doctors don't know what is wrong with her. That alone is bad enough.

Next, Badass and I broke up, again. I now have a new boyfriend. A boyfriend who has been my boyfriend before. He was my first boyfriend. I will call him Fae, which you will only understand from how we first met. Fae and I first met when we were 6 years old. At my 7th birthday party, he became my first boyfriend. When I turned 8, I moved. We wrote to eachother for about a year, and then I stopped recieving his letters. According to him, they were all getting returned to him, and he never got my letters. Well, we are together again. After 10 years, we are back together, and it's like nothing I've ever experienced. He actually cares about my education. None of my past boyfriends could have cared less if I failed school, or didn't make it Ivy. Well, Fae does. He puts my schoolwork first, which is amazing. He supports me and encourages me. It's such a good feeling, knowing he will put my schooling before us. He's great. However, of course, there is a flaw. It seems that he doesn't have time for me. He goes to work at about 11pm and doesnt get home until around 7am, his time, because there is an hour time difference. Well, he comes home, sleeps most of the day, then goes and hangs out with his friends. Which means that I barely get to talk to him, and when I do, it's only for about 15 minutes or less, because then he has to go get ready for work. There have been times when days will go by and I don't hear from him at all. It's not working for me. So that is a huge problem.

The next issue would have to do with college. I have to start applying soon. Well, things with my gpa havn't been the easiest for me. To put things straightforward and simple, he doesn't think that my application would be good enough for the ivy's. He doesn't think my community service hours are good enough because my community service didn't change the world. He is trying to get help for me, by hiring a college counselor to help me strengthen my application. What he doesn't get, is that I know what that he's trying to help, but I don't want that. I can't help but start to shut down when he brings it up, because.... School has always been the ONLY area in my life where I have always been confident. And he ruined that confidence by saying it's not good enough. My grades aren't good enough. My schooling isn't good enough. I have been an honor roll student my ENTIRE LIFE so far, I have 189 community service hours, which were spent at the hospital, and it's not good enough. Apparently, to get into an Ivy, I need to change the world first. Well, it's not going to happen. Most Ivy league teachers didn't go to ivy's. They went to regular college. Well, if going to an Ivy means that i need to make myself unhappy, I don't want to. I am not going to make myself feel like shit, just so I can go to a college with a good reputation. Fuck that. My happiness is more important than a colleges name on my resume. He even suggested I take a year off before applying so I have time to strengthen that application. I've actually wanted to do that for a while, but not for those reasons, but having him suggest it, was insulting to me. It was like, I'm so horrible that I need an entire year to make it all better and wrap it all up in a little bow. I'm fucking trying! It's so hard though. Especially when I have all this pressure on me. Everyone expects greatness from me. They expect me to go Ivy and become super successful. No wonder I don't want to be an adult yet. I don't want to! I want to just be a stupid irresponsible teenager for once in my fucking life. And I've never been that. It's always been school this, school that. Don't break any fucking rules. Don't do anything stupid. Be responsible and smart 24 fucking 7. Well I am sick of it. I want to take a year off, but not to make my application better. I want to get a job, so I can start to build a resume, so that after college I can actually get a job. Imagine that. But I also want to have some fun too. I want to go Ivy. I want the best education I can get, but I don't want everyone cramming it down my throat. I want it to be a good experience, not something I end up resenting because trying to get in made me feel like a worthless piece of shit.....
Well, that's that. I am going to go now, because I feel like my head is going to explode. Thanks for letting me vent...

How I feel right now...