It's Like A Picture Of A Loved One In Disguise

           Okay, well, last time I wrote was right before New Year's. New Years was wonderful, as it always is. ^__^ So, once again things are changing, growing, restarting. First of all, our cat, Luna, died. She had been with us for 11 years of my life. Very sad change in our life.

            Other things, Bad-Ass is back, thought he never really left, and things with him are the same. Things with him never really changed much. Even though we broke up, we still talk to eachother every single day, and get along great. He's my best friend, which is really all I can ask for, so I am happy. Screamo is here but not really. He keeps popping back up every now and then, and then disappears quickly. Oh well. I mean I miss him, but it didn't work out. So, what is supposed to happen will happen, and I can't really change it.
            
            As for the depression, it is of course still here, considering it will never go anywhere, but I'm doing pretty good so far. Talking to Psych is really helping me out, and I'm considering looking into medications, because I do realize that my problem is a chemical/biological thing that I can't change based on sheer will; it is something that needs to be taken care of chemically. I am still seeing Psych (at my school) and just like when I first started, I don't really like the fact that I have to see her at school, because I don't like having to miss class once a week and I don't like it because what if I break down? Then I have to go through the rest of my classes with people looking at me due to my red tear streaked face. Not cool. Makes me feel embarassed and ashamed. So my dad is helping me look for a psychologist that I can start seeing outside of school, which I am actually really excited about. I'm always reading books, since I'm a bookworm, and in them, people always hate their psychologists, but I actually really like mine. I enjoy talking to her. It calms me, which is kind of what it's supposed to do I guess. I am thankful for it. So hopefully, my depression will stay calm and not attack me anytime soon. I would really appriciate it.

           School is the same. Since it's a new semester I have started my Holocaust studies class. I am enjoying it so far. My grades are doing well, everything school wise is good. I'm still extremely stressed about the SAT's though.

          So back to Bad-Ass for a bit. He is going to start blogging again which is great. He asked me back out and I almost said yes. He's been there for me every single time I've needed him. He's always there for me, which I could use. But at the same time, the reason why I said no, is not because I don't want to be with him, because I do, but because I have decided, after Screamo broke up with me, that I need to take some time for me. I need to focus on my problems and try to fix them. I need to learn how to not be so self-critical, because I tear myself apart. I can't love someone and help them if I can't love and help myself, so I am going to start working on that. I think things will work out well. I am feeling confident, which is not an emotion I am used to.

       Pretty much, I am doing pretty good. For once. Yes I am still unhappy. Last night I actually had a very unhappy dream which helped me realize something HUGE that I need to overcome. The only problem will be overcoming it. It's not the easiest thing to confront, but I have to confront my relationship with my mother. My dream last night made it very clear that I need to try to fix that. So wish me luck!

       Bad-Ass, since I know you are reading this, as you always do, I want to remind you. I love you. Thank you for always being here for me, and not giving up no me like so many others do. Thank you for showing me you really care. You give me hope.