The End Is Just The Beginning

Well, Christmas just passed, and what a wonderful Christmas it was. Since I am wiccan, my family and I celebrated Yule, and then Christmas with the rest of our family. It was very lovely. I got everything I wanted, the best of all was a Maestro electric guitar by Gibson. Black and blue, gorgeous. My guitar is to the right. Isn't she lovely?

Well, Christmas has passed and coming up is New Year's Eve. I can't believe 2011 is coming to and end. It seems so soon. Life is moving on, and with it comes change. And change can be a good thing, so hopefully things change for the best. My life is constantly changing. My depression hasn't been acting up lately, so that is a good thing. It would suck to have a depressive break down at this lovely time of the year. I wish I was up north, for I miss the snow dreadfully. But I am eager for the new year's arrival. I am eager for a fresh start. I am eager for things to change. And I am eager to begin a new year with the people I love.

My mom and dad are throwing a party, and I invited someone, though I don't think he will be going. If not, then oh   well, and If he does show up, then I will be very happy. The person I invited was Screamo, my ex as of a few weeks ago. He broke up with me, but we still talk every now and then. He talks about winning me back but I'm not so sure if he really wants to be in a relationship with me. Come what may. What is meant to happen will happen. I am just along for the ride. This new year, I want things to be different. I want to become more focused on school, because even though I am extremely focused with school, you can never be too focused. Bad-Ass and I have plans to date in college, but honestly I still want a relationship right now. I want to start off the new year with people I love, and I'm hoping that the new year brings new love. I want a relationship right now, because what is better than loving someone who loves you back? I've been dreaming of falling in love my whole life, because i am a hopeless romantic. By the way, Bad-Ass, if you are reading this, which I'm sure you are because you read all my blogs, I want to tell you. Stop worrying. I am yours. I am still going to date you in college and I love you. Breathe. As for everyone else, I am eager for a fresh start. I hope the holidays have been wonderful for you and your families and all of those whom you hold dear. I can't wait to start a new year full of joy, success and love.

Until next time, I bid you adieu!

Just A Little Update

Aloha. Well, I guess I should give you alittle update, since my life is eternally changing. So, last time I really blogged, I talked about my conflict with Bad-Ass and Screamo. Well, Bad-Ass took control, and dumped me. He didn't want to, and he regreted it, I know because I've talked to him on the phone and through email every day since. We broke up last Tuesday, and it sucked. He said he broke up with me, so I could be happy and I will forever be thankful. I wanted to try this out with Screamo. I wanted to take a chance, and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't. But it's better than regretting never trying. So, hopefully it doesn't bite me in the ass. So Bad-Ass is planning on joining the military again, now that we aren't together. I don't want him to get hurt, so I am still worried about it. I mean, I still care about him. I would like it if he didn't go and get his head blown off, but it's his life. As he says, I need to let him live it.

So, Screamo and I are together, which I'm sure you've already guessed. It's going well. I am enjoying it. It's nice having a boyfriend who goes to the same school as me, considering all my relationships have been long distance since 6th grade, so its only like my 3rd actual relationship with a guy who lives near me. It's really nice. It's great knowing that if I'm depressed, I just have to wait until after class, and there is a hug waiting for me. It's wonderful. I am very thankful for it. He's great. Really awesome, and cool, and funny, cute, adorable, sweet, sarcastic... He has some characteristics that I see in myself, so we do get along well. We have a pretty similar taste in music (cept for that Screamo shit. I hate that. Sorry. :p   ) Well, it's good. We get along fantastically. With him, we already have this previous connection (not that I know where it's come from). He makes me really nervous. When I know I'm about to see him, my heart races, and my hands shake and I get really nervous. But the minute I'm in his arms, everything is better. My heart and blood pressure immediatly go down, my hands stop shaking. It's peace. And I like it. It's good having a shoulder to cry on literally. I'm not used to having the one I care for so close. It's much easier than long distance relationships... (No shit, I know. I knowww) I like it. I'm happy with him and that's good. With him, everything feels.... right. Perfect. Proper. I just, click extremely well with him, and it's still something that I don't quite understand. I don't know if I will ever understand it. I just feel it. I can't describe it. I don't know what it is. It's just there and its beautiful. It's the most beautiful feeling. Now, as you all know, I have depression, and lately it has been kicking up with the huge stress increase with the whole Bad-Ass thing. Numerous times a day I find myself walking down the hall, feeling lost. Everything just sort of blurs, and I get completely lost in my thoughts. And then I look up, and our eyes meet. And it puts everything on pause. And those feelings and that cloudiness immediatly clear up. Like smoke slipping out a window, it just wooshes away. It's amazing. I've never had someone effect me like that before. I don't understand at all. But I have to say, I am extremely thankful for it. I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.

Yes, I still feel like shit about Bad-Ass. I do still love him and I always will. But I want to do something for me, for once. Every relationship I've been in, that I have wanted to leave, I stay in longer because I am scared of hurting the person I am with. I don't like to cause pain. I've had enough pain caused in me by other people, I don't ever want to cause that to someone else. So I feel horrible for Bad-Ass, and I do feel like the worlds biggest bitch. But with this, With Screamo, for once I decided that I wanted to do something for me. It wasn't personal to Bad-Ass, because he was an amazing boyfriend, but I just... I'm running out of time. I'm going to be in college soon, and then with a job and married and starting a family. Now is the time to take chances, and to experience new things. Now is the time to take a chance, and step out there into the rushing traffic. Maybe something marvelous will hit me. And with Screamo, he was something fabulous that just appeared. And I wanted to be selfish for once. I wanted to do something for me. I wanted to be happy for me instead of worrying about what the fuck I do to someone else.

Bad-Ass, if you are reading this, I love you and I always will. I'm so sorry as you know.

Screamo, I love you, and thank you for being here for me.

What the fuck am I doing?

The Freight Train That Is Life

Hey there. So the first thing I am going to say is that I am a horrible girlfriend. I havn't done anything, but I have a feeling, that feelings are going to be hurt.

So, I have the best boyfriend in the world, Bad-Ass. He is everything I want and he is amazing, and perfect, and loves me so much. It's great. I am so happy to be his girlfriend. You can tell how much I love him from the way I've talked about him in the past... Bad-Ass, I love you. Please don't get all worried when you read this.

So, I have a new friend at school. I will call him Screamo, because he likes that shitty music.  (No offense) Anyway, Screamo is awesome. He's my second friend I've made at a school I've been attending for 3 years.... I have a hard time making friends. Anyway, He's my friend, and I can't tell you how awesome and wonderful it is to have a friend at my god aweful school. He's great. Smart, funny, random, annoying in a good way, weird in a good way, and wants to practice the same religion I do, which is awesome. Well, he flirts, without really knowing it, but he does. He likes me, and has made that obvious. He likes me more than his own girlfriend. Yeah, forgot to mention he has a gf. Well, recently I have realized how awesome he is... And recently, I have realized that I kinda have a crush on him. Now, don't get me wrong I love my bf more than I could ever possibly say, and I am happy with him. I think it might be mainly because my bf is far away, and Screamo is right here. I don't know. All I know is that I am confused as hell.I really am. And I could use all the help I could get. I love my bf, and I want to stay with my bf, I do, but Screamo is pretty fucking awesome too. And I have passed up guys that are awesome before, to end up regretting it my entire life. And now I am left with a decision. I don't know what to do. Screamo was saying that he would break up with his gf if he could go out with me. He thinks I'm awesome, and we have this connection. I have a hard time opening up to people, and the first time we had a conversation, I opened completely up, and talking to him seemed familiar. I felt like I had known him my whole life, to which my dad said maybe I knew him in a past life. Maybe, because talking to him, he seems so fucking familiar. I feel like I've known him my entire life. I feel like we are old friends. It's weird. I don't know what to do. But there is a freight train heading in my direction, and no matter what, someone is going to get hurt, most likely me.Help me, I beg you.

Bad-Ass, I love you so much. I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings. Hurting you would tear me to pieces. I love you.

Screamo, stay awesome and thank you for being my friend. I really appriciate you, even though you have complicated my life even more.

Hurt

Am I just a joke to you?

I Wish You Were Here

Hey there. So, I am going to write a little something. I am not the happiest right now, so sorry if this brings your mood down.

So, lately life... Well, it has been okay I guess. Fiddler is going to leave soon, and should be gone by January, so thank god for that. Finally my little brother will have his bedroom back, and we will all have some more peace and quiet in the house.  Maybe my parents will even get along better. Now don't get me wrong, my parents aren't fighting anymore, but the tension isn't gone. You can feel it in the air. There is tention between all of us. We are just fulllll of that damn tension. But hey, I can't change that. Believe me I have tried.

So, this morning wasn't the best. My mother and I didn't, I guess you can say, get along the best this morning. We were in the car, and once again she was pissed off at me because my fucking alarm clock went off. It's not my fault it didn't go off. She should complain to the fucking company that made it not me. But hey, that's not what I'm here to talk about. So, she was pissed at me, which brought her to start complaining about me and half yelling at me. So what did I do? I started getting bitchy right back. You act like a bitch to me, I'll act like a bitch to you. So, we both got "snappy" at eachother... So, every morning, my mom and I have a certain list of songs we listen to on the way to school. Well since I'm the one that pics out the songs, I was upset so I put on Riot by Three Days Grace, which if you listen to the words, seemed like I was picking a fight with her. Well I wasn't. But it was a shitty morning.

And thanks to this morning, the rest of my day is sucking greatly. I have felt like shit all day, and I don't know why. I'm extremely tired, and I just want to sleep and cry and scream all at the same time. What I really need is one of those hugs thats so good, you just start to cry and blubber all over that persons shoulder. haha. That is what I really need.

As for the last thing I will address. To Bad-Ass, my lovely boy, I am very thankful to have you, I just wish you lived closer to me, like oh I don't know, in the same state at least. I can't wait until spring, when you come visit me. It will be one of the best days ever. And you owe me a hug and a kiss. I lurv yew very  much, and can't wait till you hold me in your arms.

As for everyone else, Hope your day is a hell of a lot better than mine.
Later.

Opening My Eyes

Hello there. Well I havn't blogged in a while and decided that I really should. So, lately life has given me another surprise. I have learned something about someone in my life who is very important to me. He is absolutely amazing. I learned something about him that made me take a step back and go, "Wait. What?"
I'm not going to tell you what it is that I found out, because it is not  mine to tell. This post is mainly to talk about after I found out. At first it made me really nervous to be perfectly honest. I kinda was extremely confused, but then the next morning I woke up. I opened my eyes and said "You know what? It doesn't change anything." And I've been thinking about it, and it really doesn't change anything. Yes it may affect me more in the future, but as of now, it doesn't really change anything. I know that I will be able to handle this change, for I am good at adapting, and I have an open mind. As for the person who I am talking about, I love you. You are perfect just as you are. And if you have any bad feelings of guilt or are ashamed  at all, do me a favor and kick those feelings out the door. You are perfect. You are amazing, and nothing in life will change that. I wish you could see yourself as I see you, perfect in everyway, flawed, but hey, you're only human. I love you more than you could imagine, and I accept you just the way you are. Do me a favor, and never change.

P.S. My bf Bad-Ass and I have decided to make a collaborated blog, which we will start working on soon. If you are intersted in reading at all, here is the link. (remember, we don't have anything writen yet.)  http://sicknastyawesomeness.blogspot.com/

You'd Better Run, Better Run, Faster Than My Bullet.

Hey there. So, lately things have been a bit rocky. My parents havn't said a word to eachother in a week. I am overstressed thanks to school. And today I got called out of class to go speak to the school psychologist. Fun eh?

No. Not really.

So, I guess I will go in order. My parents for some reason are not speaking to eachother. They got into an argument on Friday about my dad's mom, I'll call her Fiddler (because she constantly fucks (fiddles) with things. So Fiddler is living with us, because she has been deemed unfit to live alone. She is old, obviously, and she is not doing to well. She has a heart problem that she takes medication for, and she had been forgetting to take her meds, and ended up in the hospital. So instead of sending her to a nursing home, which would have been easier, we took her home to live with us. Well, my mom, as well as the rest of us, were not faring well with this. Fiddler is fucking everything up. She is constantly doing what we tell her NOT to do, and driving us all insane. However, she needs the help, so we are taking care of her. Well, mom and dad got into a fight about it, and aren't talking. And my dad is thinking about leaving, moving out, ditching the show. And I'm not mad at him. I love my dad to death. He's been there for me my whole life, and helped me so much. He's the perfect dad. Well, I don't blame him for wanting to move out. My mother is regressing and acting very much like a 16 year old goth kid lately. It's honestly extremely frustrating and kind of disgusting. She is supposed to be acting mature, and like a mother and instead she is fucking around, going clubbing with her friends, and going to "happy hour" after work with her friends at work, and just acting immature. I hate it. So, like I said, I don't really blame my dad. Would you? He's only doing the sane thing. Why be in a relationship if your wife doesn't even pay attention to you? It's frustrating. I just don't want him to go though, because if he does it's going to fuck everything up.

Anyway, moving on to the next subject... I have been extremely overwhelmed in school lately. I know, school is usually overwhelming, but it has been getting really annoying and horrific lately. Thank god I'm going to be in Salem, MA tomorrow. I love airports. But my school stuff has been slipping a little lately. Not my grades, they are fine, just my focus has been going down the toilet. I just don't want to do anything. Part of this has to do with my depression which has been acting up a bit lately, and when I say a bit, I mean a lot. Which leads me to the third topic.

So a few days ago, I broke down at school, while talking to one of the guidance counselors about my class. She's my teacher, but also a guidance counselor. I'll call her Two Face, because when she's being a teacher she's strict and stern, yet when she's being a counselor she's nice and understanding. Anyway, I cried, and she listened and we talked. Then she suggested I see a psychologist. Well, today, I got called out of class to go talk to the psychologist. It wasn't bad, I admit. A bit odd, but not bad. She listened a lot, which I liked. But I guess that's her job... Anyway, we are meeting again next weekend on  wed. I don't really want the whole psychologist thing to have anything to do with school, so I am still going to look for a psychologist outside of school. I think it might actually really help. I just need to find one. So, I guess until I find one, I will just talk to the school psychologist, who to make it easy I will call Psych, and then when I get a new one that will be that.

So besides all of that shit... I am doing pretty good. I've got the best guy on the planet and some pretty awesome friends. It's October, and even though I can't see the leaves changing colors, It's still awsome. I'll be in Boston this weekend for my cousins wedding, so I will have fun. Well, that's it.
Until next time, I bid you farewell.

Just For You

I just wanted to say, to my dear Bad-Ass,

Happy Birthday!!!!! I love youuuu!!!! <3 <3 <3

You really are an amazing guy. Thank you so much for being in my life. I love you. And I can't wait to be with you, to have you right next to me. I love you so much. Once again, Happy Birthday my love. May it be an awesome birthday.

Love yours always,
Me

S.A.F.E.T.Y. Dance.

Alohaaaaa!!!! So, incase you didn't notice, it's an 80's day for me. Gotta love the classics. ^__^ So today has been a really really really really really (you get the point) Really good day. I got a wonderful surprise this morning on my bf's blog. Bad-Ass really is an awesome guy. So, I already blogged about his blog, so I figured I would be random. Not like that is new at all. So, I have been writing a little more, and SK (shining knight) and I are a bit closer. We had a mini spat yesterday, mainly over the past, but we are still close. Which is a very good thing, because yes he may not be the greatest guy ever, but he's a good friend. He's honest which I respect. He's a good guy, I think. So, I guess my life isn't really that different. I'm making Bad-Ass some presents for his birthday which is in 11 days, on October 1st. That's right, he's older than me by 4 days. ^__^ So we are both libra's which is cool. Okay, I lied... It's not completely an 80's day. I'm now listening to No Rain by Blind Melon. One hit wonder. Thank you VH1. I don't know why I am in such a good mood. I can't stop smiling, and all day I've just had this goofy smile on my face. Not that I'm complaining. It's a lot better than breaking down from the depression. A LOT better. I really can't wait until October. I can't wait to go back to MA, and be back in my proper place... Too bad it's only for 4 days. :( I am never going to want to come back home. But, hey  it's better than not going at all. Plus I get to see my awesome cousin get married, which is wonderful. And I get to see the rest of the family which is.... Well, we don't all see eye to eye, but it could be worst. I'm just the dorky weird bookworm of the family, so they don't really... Well, act like they like me? No. Well, I 'ave to go to la clase de espanol. Adios!

Btw... It's Loser by Beck now.
BYEEEEEEE

That Will Be Us One Day, In The Kitchen Going, "Blah blah blah, blah blah blah..."

Well, I am just going to post a quick post, and then maybe another at lunch. So, this is mainly just for one person, and he knows who he is.

I read your post, and it made me teary eyed again. And I almost squeeked... Again. hahahaha. I have to say, I think your blog posts are getting better and better and better and should keep getting even more better. ^__^ I loved your post, and I have to say, I can't wait to get that letter. I love youuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And you are awesome.

I'm a Puppy for Your Love

ALOHA!!!!! Sorry, that was a bit in your face... Well, I decided to write a short blog, but knowing me, it might end up being longer than I intended. So, I just read the latest post of Bad-Ass, since he has a blog.. And I must say, it was so cute that it honestly made me start to cry. hahaha. *weepy* He wrote to "nobody" since "nobody" would read it but me... Well, he wrote in there that during college he's going to ask me to marry him. Now, I've already talked to him, about marriage, and I already know that he wants to marry me, but for some reason it was different reading it. It made my heart skip and hiccup and I made a funny little squeeky gasping for air noise (which made me laugh.) I am now in the library writing this, listening to Dave Matthews Band Lie In Our Graves. Great upbeat song, and I am swiviling around in the chair. haha. I have to say simply, that I am in a good mood. You know, it really is something knowing that there is someone out there who loves you, and who wants to be with you, despite all your flaws. There is nothing like the feeling of being accepted and loved just as you are, without needing to change. Because really, for love to be true, you shouldn't need to change, and with me, Bad-Ass doesn't expect me to change. He loves me, just as I am. And he wants me to stay just as I am. He doesn't care about my flaws (they don't bother him at all) and he shows it. Honestly, he makes my heart click its metaphorical heels. He makes me feel as light as the air I breathe, and he listens. He makes me feel like every single word I speak, is important and special. It's amazing. I don't understand how people are capable of feeling that much emotion. Like, how does it work? How? And I have to say, we are a really lucky species, to be able to feel the things we feel. Honestly, I am pretty cheery right now, and after reading that post, my day became the best day ever. I literally feel like jumping in the air and clicking my heels and laughing and crying all at the same time, buttt if I did that right now, everyone in the library would think that I was seriously insane. hahaha. >.< But, that's how I feel inside. So I am pretty happy. I don't really think I can think of anything else to say. Oh yeah, except that if anyone has any advice, Bad-Ass (http://archerthesniper.blogspot.com/)  could use some help on the topic of engagement rings... Yeah he likes to look ahead.  ^__^
Well, caio until I write again.

Have a beautiful day!

She said, "Maybe there's a bit of me waiting for a bit of you. baby."

Alohaaaa!!!!!! So once again, my title is a line from a song called Middle of Nowhere by Hot Hot Heat. I am currently listening to it and think it is a fantastic song, so check it out. Anywho, so my friend, whom I will call KittyKat (Kitty Cat Blogs), has a blog!!! YAYYYY!!!!!!! So he has a blog which is cool, and the funny thing is that he has had one for a while now, but didn't know he did. And he had never posted a blog, and posted his first one last night, so congrats!!!!!! So life is pretty good I spose. I have been trying to work on my writing and breaking that damn writing block which has been with me since around January. GRRRR!!!!!!! I hate writing blocks. They are completely not fair!!! So, I wrote a paragraph the other day from a writing prompt I found on pw.org. Then my SK (shining knight) read it and told me that he honestly thought that it was really good and not to change a single thing about it. By the way, don't know if I mentioned it before but SK is in my life again. We were apart for a while, but we decided to be friends, and it is surprisingly working out really well. ^__^ I have to be honest, it really is wonderful to have him back. He is the most arrogant, straight forward, brilliant guy I've met, and he is an AMAZING writer. Seriously, he could be an award winner he's just that good. So, I had him read it and he thought it was great, which considering how amazing of a writer he is, meant a lot to me, because from knowing him, I know that he isn't just saying it to make me feel good. He's incapible of telling you a not so honest opinion, which I have to say, I respect. I look up to him. He doesn't seem like the nicest guy, and he does have his problems, but he is a really good guy to have on your side. He will always tell you the honest truth, which is something that is kind of hard to come by these days.
So, Bad-Ass and I are extremely close, and have been considering trying a relationship. Yes, it would be another long distance thing, but we have a really strong connection that is hard for me to describe. He and I think alike, but I am strong in ways he is not, and vice versa. We balance eachother out. He is really amazing and funny and great, and the number one thing.. He ALWAYS has time for me. Not once, has he not been there for me when I needed or wanted his company. He has always made time for me, which is a very important quality. He's pretty awesome. He was born 4 days before me, and we share the same zodiac sign (libra) and we just get along really well. He makes me feel good about myself, which with my low self-esteem, is not a bad thing at all. He also helps keep the depression at bay which is awesome. I haven't broken down in a while which I really appriciate. I hate it when I get in that dark cloud state. It is like nothing else I know. It's really not cool... Well, that's an understatement... Just for no reason wanting to scream and sobbing because even though nothing is wrong, your brain is feeling pain and sorrow and you have no idea what is wrong you just can't think or even breathe because you are crying too hard, and everything just hurts, physically and emotionally... It really sucks. And the amount of pain I experience when I have my breakdowns,takes my breath away. I am always shocked after by how badly it hurt. And the older I get, the more painful it seems to be getting. Doesn't happen as often, but when it does it is hell on earth. It is like someone is in my heart ripping it to shreds and tearing me apart. It's... I can't even properly describe it. It really is like nothing else I can explain. I have nothing to compare it to. Only those who have experienced it understand what I am talking about. It's like you have fallen into the lowest pit on earth, and it just keeps getting lower and lower, and you just keep sinking down down, until you are lost within yourself. But it's not just confusing, it's painful. I can't stand it. It really is I think the top thing I would change about myself if I could. Even though I have a low self-esteem, I am pretty content with myself. I just hate the depression.

Well, I realize that this blog has kind of been random, but I have to get to class.
Later!!!

All We Are, Is Wasting Hours, Until The Sun Comes Up, It's All Ours

Aloha! Well, once again change has appeared, and swept through my life. So, I had previously talked about my bf Gamer... Well, Gamer and I are no longer together. The long distance thing wasn't working, sadly, because he really is a great guy. So, Gamer and I were together for 8 months, and then two nights ago, we decided to have a talk. And at the same time, we both said the exact same thing. We both had decided that the long distance wasn't working, however, both of us had the same idea that we are going to be friends, and maybe when I move up to where he lives, for college, we can try dating again, that way long distance can't get in the way. Sad, but not really, because I still get to have him in my life. Infact, in October I get to hang out with him when I go to MA for my cousin's wedding. ^__^

            So, other updates on my life. Let's see. School has started again, and it is okay. I guess, I mean I can't really complain. It's as good as junior year can be. I have been having trouble writing lately. I havn't been able to write anything good in a year. Everytime I go to pick up a pen and write, nothing comes out. Absolutely nothing. It's a blank slate. So, I have been trying to find inspiration. I need to "slap" myself and get my brain working again. I desperatly need to write something. I can feel it. I'm deprived of writing, and I really need to write, but I can't and it's killing me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
          Also, I will talk a little about B.A. (bad-ass) because he is very important to me, incase you havn't noticed. So Bad-ass is pretty awesome lately. Him and I are still really close, and he has proven that he is a wonderful friend, and I am honestly thankful to have him in my life. He's pretty fucking awesome. ^__^ It's impossible to be unhappy when he's around. Sadly though, he isn't exactly close by. Another long distance friendship. But I think it's going to work out. We just click. We pretty much have the same thought process, except I am more focused in school, where he is more of the daydreamer. Well, I have much more to say, but lunch is almost over and I need to go to class.

Au revoir!

P.S. If you didn't already know, the title of this blog post is a line from one of my favorite songs, Say Goodbye by Dave Matthews Band.

Seeing Crimson

         HEYYYYY EVERYBODDDYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I'm in a really good mood. So today, I went to Harvard. ^___^  It was absolutely amazing. It was as amazing as I always dreamed it would be. It was the first campus that I have been to where the minute I stepped on campus, I felt home. I could see myself at BU, but Harvard I felt like I belonged there. Almost everything about it was perfect. And Harvard Square had pretty much everything you could want, and Boston was only about 11ish minutes away, and the subway was in the Square. I absolutely loved it. I learned a lot about the adminissions, that made everything seem a bit better, and less stressful. I absolutely loved it! I don't really know what else to say. I might write more about it later. Later!

         GO HARVARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_______^
 

Medford and Beantown

               Hello there! Well, right now I am on vacation at my grandfathers house in Rhode Island. It is absolutely wonderful here, and one of the things we planned on doing was visiting some colleges. Today we went to Tufts University and Boston University. :)
                Tufts was our first stop, and before visiting, I have to say, I honestly didn't really know anything about it. All I knew was that their mascot is an elephant. Haha. Tufts is located in Medford, MA, and is actually really nice. The campus is a bit traditional in that way that all the buildings are surrounding the quad, which was an aspect I really liked. When we first started the tour, we had the Assistant Director of Admissions, I'll call him Ball of Energy (or BOE for short), talk to us. He was about 26-ish, and I have to say, I will probably talk about him most of the time I write about my experience at Tufts, because he really made a difference. He began by making a few jokes and at first I was a bit hesitant, thinking "Oh great, this should be interesting." Well, interesting it was. BOE was extremely energetic, and very hyper. He spoke quickly and went off topic a little bit. But none of it was a bad thing. He was so energetic and bouncy that you couldn't help but pay attention to him. He got very serious at some points and talked in a way that seemed like he was teaching a class. All I could think about was, "Man, I could listen to this guy talk ALL day." He was so interesting, and fascinating to watch and listen to, and he really had a way of connecting. I can't even fully describe how amazing and experience it was. He was truly captivating. After he spoke to us, which lasted an hour (wish it had been longer), we went on a tour. By the way I don't think I mentioned it, but I am staying with my grandfather in RI, who I will call Duck. Also, Duck was going on the tours with me. Anyway, after the talk, as I was saying, we went on a tour of the campus. It was very nice, and very comfortable. Also, it was very quiet which I liked. One of the things I really liked about Tufts, was the library. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a book worm. Well the library at Tufts was split up into parts. There was a section called the Reading Room, which was where you would go to study if you wanted complete silence. That part of the library is open till 3 am. Then there was the Conversation Room, which was where you would go if you were studying with a group or wanted to talk to a friend while you were working. Then there was the library cafe, if you wanted a loud study environment. The cafe, of course had coffee and pastries. Also, something really awesome about the library that was cool, is they have a librarian for every subject. For example, if you were studying Sociology, you would find the sociology librarian and her job would be to know the best resources for sociology. I thought that was really awesome. We didn't stay for the whole tour, because we wanted to grab some lunch before heading to BU.

                        When we got to the BU campus we parked the car and I actually saw someone who had graduated from my school in 2010. It was really funny. Then we went to a restaurant for lunch called Eastern Standard. It was good. After we went over to BU and had a woman talk to us about the school. I won't really talk about that because after BOE, she was really boring. :(  So after she spoke, and drove me crazy using the same phrase over and over again, we went on a tour of the campus. I liked that the campus was city style yet it was all together. I thought that was really nice. I think my favorite thing about the campus itself was the housing. There were dorms, that were as good as any dorm would be, and then for sophmore, junior and senior year, they had the choices of dorms, brownstone apartments, and high end loftish apartments. I thought that was really awesome. :)
              It was a great day and I had a ton of fun seeing the colleges. Well, I've got to go. Heading to Harvard tomorrow. :D


Hasta la vista, baby!

Bad-Ass....

   So, I am going to dedicate this entry to my buddy Bad-Ass, (previously mentioned.) Bad-Ass is really wonderful and silly and great. Sadly, I won't be able to hang out with him for a while but he is pretty kick-ass. haha. He is the first person who I became great friends with right after fighting. I met him through my boyfriend, Gamer. We ended up getting into an argument. Who could win with the come-backs. haha. I won, by the way. But, when I first talked to him, it was because he was making fun of my bf  and I got a little protective. haha. The whole time I was arguing with him I kept thinking, "This guy is an asshole." But after a while I found myself laughing at some of his come-backs and I realized that he actually wasn't that bad. We started talking, a bit more friendly towards eachother, and I realized that I reallly liked him. He was funny, and sarcastic and I got along well with him. After a while, we got closer and he let me in, letting down his guard. He spoke and I listened, and I tried to help as much as I can. And I guess it worked, because he told me I saved his life. He and I are really close now, and I talk to him about pretty much everything. He's really great. And the cool thing, is he actually listens to me. He is one of those guys that actually listens to what I say. It's pretty awesome. :) I love him a lot.

Well, later!!!! I need to go find something to snack on.
Adios!

Schools Out For Summer!!!!

              Hey there! School is out! WOOOOO!!!!!! I am now officially a junior... wow.... haha. I am so excited. So tomorrow is my dad's birthday and then my little brother and I are going on vacation with my grandparents for a week. It will be interesting and fun, I hope. I hate long car rides though, since I tend to get very nauseaus. (spelling?)
             So, a little update. My Shining Knight is no longer mine. :( He moved on, and I'm not completely over it, but I'm as over it as I can be right now. However, Gamer and I are officially in a relationship. We have been together for 5 months now. He is great, a little immature sometimes, but I really care for him. He has been good to me which is important. He is silly and smart and awesome and has introduced me to someone who I am close to now, but more on that in a while. In my last blog I had said that I was getting to hang out with Gamer this summer, but Bestie's mother said I'm not allowed to see him. But after talking to my dad, I got permission to see Gamer whether Besties mom lets me or not. My dad is really awesome. haha.
           Time to introduce the new friend. I will call him Badass. haha. He is really amazing and lives up north like Gamer. He is really funny and sweet. He has a bit of bagage, but he is really sweet and wonderful and completely awesome. He makes me feel really great, and he is the BEST listener. He is funny and when he speaks to me, he literally makes me laugh out loud. He is wonderful. I am very thankful to have him as a friend. He is really wonderful. He is one of the coolest people I've ever met. He has great  taste in music and cars and almost everything else. There is so much more I could say about him, but I have to go get ready for my trip tomorrow.
BYEEEEE!!!!! If I don't write again, Have a great summer!!!

Love Comes in Colors I Can't Deny... All That Matters is Love, Love, Your Love

Life... ha, how life is so funny. For almost my whole life, all I have wanted, other than everything I already had, was to find a wonderful guy who makes me smile and feel great. And I didn't get one... Now, I have three! All at once, three wonderful guys show up. 
     
So, my Shining Knight sort of vanished. I have no idea where he went, but he hasn't been around as much. He kind of backed off when I told him about Gamer. I don't know why, but he is distancing himself from me, and I honestly don't like it. It upsets me and honestly hurts, and when I do talk to him, he is cold and distant, just like he was when we first met. He's not taking steps back, he's taking leaps back. It makes me feel like I've done something wrong, but Bestie, also friends with SK, told me not to worry, and that it isn't my fault he is getting distant. That he just needs some time to think, and I havn't done anything wrong... Yet, I still feel like it's something that I did wrong.
    Gamer, on the other hand, is still around, and wonderful. We are sort of dating, sort of because he lives about ten states away, and it is kind of hard to date someone who is so far away. But this summer I am going up to Rhode Island, and Mass. to spend a week with my wonderful grandfather, and a week with Bestie. First time I will have seen her since 6th grade. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!! Also, I get to spend some time with Gamer, which makes me happy, because since he left in Jan, I have missed his company a lot. He is very sweet, and romantic, and adorable, and talented. Haha. He is great, and I am really thankful to have him in my life. I feel comfortable with him. In Disney, I felt so natural around him. Like, we didn't clash at all. It was cool. I felt calm and at ease with him, and I felt like myself for the first time in a long time.
     Now, for the third... Thanks to the musical, I have a new friend. haha. I will call him Aero, since he loves planes. He is pretty cool. Plays the Bass, and likes planes, and he's smart, and has a fabulous taste in music, the same as me. haha. He is really nice. I took a chance after seeing him at rehearsals, no he was not in the musical, he was in the orchestra =), but I took a chance and added him on FB and then talked to him. And we got along really well. It's cool, having someone at the school that I can talk to, since I don't really have anyone at this school to talk to . I really enjoy it. We don't see much of eachother during school, due to our schedules, but when I do see him, it's nice, knowing that I have someone HERE in this state that I get along with.

Besides that, life has been good I spose. We have people coming to look at the apartment this weekend, because we have a new house that we want to move to. The gypsy in me is happy to be packing all my stuff up again, even if the next destination is only a few towns away, but I have gotten so used to moving in my life, that when I don't, I get this feeling like something is wrong. School is good, as good as it can be. I am trying to come out of my shell a little. I speak up in class a little bit.

P.S.
The other day was signing day at our school, a day when all the sports kids who got accepted to colleges  go up infront of the school and sign their accepence. Well, B-Ball was there, and as embarrassing as it sounds, when he went up and signed his paper it made me tear up. I was really proud of him. hahaha. Okay, well, next time. Bye!!!

Life Goes On...

        Hey there. I know it's been a while since my last blog. But I am writting now. Since this is no longer required, since the class is over, I havn't written a blog in a while. When it comes to writting I enjoy having assignments and deadlines, because I am lazy. I would like to write a little every day, but without assignments, I have no idea what to write.

      So, lately life has gotten better. My Shining Knight went to Italy for ten days, so I wan't able to talk to him, which was sad. I missed him a ton, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, because I knew he was having a good time. And it is exciting because I have gone to Italy, so now we can discuss some of the places that we have both been. I love having discussions with him. I can really talk to him. He makes me think, and I like that very much. So, while he was gone, I too had fun. My really good friend, whom I havn't seen in 5 years came down to be a part of a tattoo convention in Orlando. I will call her Tat. Goddess, because her tattoos are really and truly art. She is amazing with that tattoo gun in her hand. You can find some of her work online if you look up Good Mojo Tattoos, Mayhem. Her tats should come up. Anyway, the last time she saw me was when I lived in Salem and I was 11 years old. Lately, I have been talking to her son, I'll call him Gamer. He's a few years younger than me, but we get along well. He's really sweet. So Tat. Goddess came down and my mom and I went up to see her. I was so excited, but I got really nervous that she wouldn't like me anymore. She is a really awesome person, and just being with her makes everyone feel insanely badass and cool. haha. So she came down on Thursday and mom and I got there Saturday, and spent the day with her. The next day Gamer and Tat. Goddess's husband, Tech came down and I got to meet Gamer for the first time ever. It was really awkward at first, but eventually we warmed up and after that neither one of us could shut up. We ended up staying with them Monday, and they took us to Magic Kingdom. It was rainy and the park was dead, for Disney, so no lines for rides. It was Gamer and Tech's first time to Disney and they both liked it, minus Space Mountain. That night after dinner at the Liberty Tree Tavern, amazing restaurant in Magic Kingdom, we were walking around, heading back to the monorail, and Gamer put his arm around me. It was nice. =)  

               We ate breakfast with them the next morning and then they went to Epcot and mom and I headed home. My little brother, Cherub, and my dad were happy to see us. It was a wonderful break for me, and after seeing them I felt... refreshed. Happy. Not so alone. ANd more hopeful about moving back to New England in two years. I am still happy. It really was a refresh button, and my mom felt the same way.

       I am starting to think about studing for the SAT and ACT even though those are next year. But it's really not that far away.

        Well, that's all for now folks. See ya next time