Just A Little Update

Aloha. Well, I guess I should give you alittle update, since my life is eternally changing. So, last time I really blogged, I talked about my conflict with Bad-Ass and Screamo. Well, Bad-Ass took control, and dumped me. He didn't want to, and he regreted it, I know because I've talked to him on the phone and through email every day since. We broke up last Tuesday, and it sucked. He said he broke up with me, so I could be happy and I will forever be thankful. I wanted to try this out with Screamo. I wanted to take a chance, and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't. But it's better than regretting never trying. So, hopefully it doesn't bite me in the ass. So Bad-Ass is planning on joining the military again, now that we aren't together. I don't want him to get hurt, so I am still worried about it. I mean, I still care about him. I would like it if he didn't go and get his head blown off, but it's his life. As he says, I need to let him live it.

So, Screamo and I are together, which I'm sure you've already guessed. It's going well. I am enjoying it. It's nice having a boyfriend who goes to the same school as me, considering all my relationships have been long distance since 6th grade, so its only like my 3rd actual relationship with a guy who lives near me. It's really nice. It's great knowing that if I'm depressed, I just have to wait until after class, and there is a hug waiting for me. It's wonderful. I am very thankful for it. He's great. Really awesome, and cool, and funny, cute, adorable, sweet, sarcastic... He has some characteristics that I see in myself, so we do get along well. We have a pretty similar taste in music (cept for that Screamo shit. I hate that. Sorry. :p   ) Well, it's good. We get along fantastically. With him, we already have this previous connection (not that I know where it's come from). He makes me really nervous. When I know I'm about to see him, my heart races, and my hands shake and I get really nervous. But the minute I'm in his arms, everything is better. My heart and blood pressure immediatly go down, my hands stop shaking. It's peace. And I like it. It's good having a shoulder to cry on literally. I'm not used to having the one I care for so close. It's much easier than long distance relationships... (No shit, I know. I knowww) I like it. I'm happy with him and that's good. With him, everything feels.... right. Perfect. Proper. I just, click extremely well with him, and it's still something that I don't quite understand. I don't know if I will ever understand it. I just feel it. I can't describe it. I don't know what it is. It's just there and its beautiful. It's the most beautiful feeling. Now, as you all know, I have depression, and lately it has been kicking up with the huge stress increase with the whole Bad-Ass thing. Numerous times a day I find myself walking down the hall, feeling lost. Everything just sort of blurs, and I get completely lost in my thoughts. And then I look up, and our eyes meet. And it puts everything on pause. And those feelings and that cloudiness immediatly clear up. Like smoke slipping out a window, it just wooshes away. It's amazing. I've never had someone effect me like that before. I don't understand at all. But I have to say, I am extremely thankful for it. I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.

Yes, I still feel like shit about Bad-Ass. I do still love him and I always will. But I want to do something for me, for once. Every relationship I've been in, that I have wanted to leave, I stay in longer because I am scared of hurting the person I am with. I don't like to cause pain. I've had enough pain caused in me by other people, I don't ever want to cause that to someone else. So I feel horrible for Bad-Ass, and I do feel like the worlds biggest bitch. But with this, With Screamo, for once I decided that I wanted to do something for me. It wasn't personal to Bad-Ass, because he was an amazing boyfriend, but I just... I'm running out of time. I'm going to be in college soon, and then with a job and married and starting a family. Now is the time to take chances, and to experience new things. Now is the time to take a chance, and step out there into the rushing traffic. Maybe something marvelous will hit me. And with Screamo, he was something fabulous that just appeared. And I wanted to be selfish for once. I wanted to do something for me. I wanted to be happy for me instead of worrying about what the fuck I do to someone else.

Bad-Ass, if you are reading this, I love you and I always will. I'm so sorry as you know.

Screamo, I love you, and thank you for being here for me.