Cuz You Had a Bad Day... I mean "I"

Well, hello friends. I am back again. For a while there I didn't really have anything new to write about, but I do now! haha. Not a very happy blog, but that's okay I guess. Not everything has to be happy, right? Well, today is the 17th of November as you all know. I am going to start with last friday. This last weekend was Camelot Days, a ren. fair. My mothers dance troup were going to perform, and they were going to have a tent up for people to purchase bellydance merchandise. I ended up helping. I was the cashier. So Friday, we worked on setting everything up, and Saturday and Sunday were the actual fair days. Another thing I guess I should mention, is that the head woman, the owner of the dance studio and partial founder of the dance troup my mom is in, is also the mother of my ex-bf Yu Yi. Yu Yi and I dated for a full year, and then of course I was the stupid one, and broke up with him a few days after our year mark. Yay! Go Me! Such a stupid idiot I am! Oh, well. Anyway, I was helping set up and everything was fine, until Yu Yi showed up. Now Yu Yi and I keep trying to talk, and be friends, but it doesn't always work so well, mostly my fault again, because I miss him. Well, at times Yu Yi is nice to me, and we play around, like friends. Other times, he ignores me completely and honestly that really hurts. It shouldn't because we aren't together anymore, and havn't been for about 5 months. Well, Friday night, he ignored me like I had the plauge. I swear, even I was begining to think that I wasn't really there. I gotta say, he really knows how to make me feel wonderful. So I ended up in tears. Then Saturday, the first day of the fair, I was working, and I gotta say, I got really lonely. I was very unhappy. Yu Yi talked to me a little bit here and there, so that kind of made me feel less lonely and happier, but it didn't last long. I ended up getting into a fight with my mom, and ended up crying. Then Sunday, I went and Yu Yi was talking to me a bit more than the previous day, that's when Ugh showed up. Now the first time I met Ugh I thought she seemed pretty cool, but after watching Yu Yi Sunday I began to hate her. After she showed up, I didn't exist to Yu Yi. He followed her around like a puppy dog. Everywhere she went, he followed. I swear he was glued to her hip. And it really pissed me off. Jealously. I know. That stupid evil tormenting green monster. >.> Well needless to say, I ended up in tears that day too, and to make it worse his mother, my friend, ended up yelling at him for ignoring me and forced him to spend time with me. How embarrassing, huh? So he spent time with me, talked to me, and as terrible I thought it was that he had been forced to talk to me I was happy he was. I really miss him. He was a good boyfriend. My first kiss. haha. But his company didn't last long. As soon as his mom left to perform he went right back to Ugh and stayed with her the rest of the night. I wanted to kill them both. I ended up freaking out in tears that night, and left to go sit in the dark and sob. Something most people don't know, that might explain why I was hurting so bad... I have depression. It runs in my blood. My mom has depression and so do I. I don't remember the correct term but I call it Extreme Depression. I didn't notice it when I was younger, but the older I get the worse the depression gets. My dad studied psychology in college, I think he has a masters, and he talked to me about it and said the reason why my depression is worse now is because my chemicals are changing so the depression is strengthening. Yay! How fun. And looking back I realized how strong it actually is. When I laugh, and seem to be enjoying my time I don't feel it. I never feel the happiness or laughter down to my soul. It's like a mask. I only feel it on the surface. I can feel that the happiness I am experiencing at the moment isn't real and that it will be replaced by lonliness and anger and sadness really soon. And when I am truely happy, it never lasts long. When I feel it down in my soul, it lasts very small amounts of time. Sometimes 2 days. Sometimes 2 hours, sometimes as little as 5 minutes. And then I go right back to hurting. It's not easy, and most of my life I've had a pretty good grip on my emotions. But as I get holder, it's harder to control myself. I find myself crying sometimes out of nowhere for no reason, just because my soul hurts. And I have always had a concept on what "heartbreak" means, but I didn't know that you can actually feel pain in your heart when you are sad. Sometimes when I break down for no reason and just start sobbing, I feel pain in my heart, the kind of pain that makes your body involuntarily curl up as you grasp your stomache just wishing the pain would go away. I hate it. I hate hurting, but I don't know how to controll the depression. I have talked to my parents about possibly seeing a therapist, but I don't know if I believe it would help at all. Plus would you trust someone who, when you break down there title, is known as "The Rapist".... haha. Yeah okay lame I know. tehe. And then as if my weekend wasn't bad enough, yesterday after school, Saint told me he's uncomfortable in the relationship and thinks I'm obsessed with him. That he still wants to be friends, he just can't be my anchor. Well, how does my brain work when it thinks about how to solve this? Leave him alone. That way I don't bother him anymore. So pretty much, even though he said we are still friends, my brain hears "Not friends anymore" and I don't know how to change that. I'm not mad at him, I was yesterday. When he said it I was hurt and confussed and I felt betrayed, but today I don't really feel anything. I am numb, just like after a sobbing episode, my heart and body are just numb. It's no fun. But I will eventually learn how to control my depression, I hope. And I know I can't really stop the depression, but I'm sure I could somehow make myself hurt less. I really am sick of hurting.