Just an Update

Yay! Another blog. Okay, well I guess I will just for now do an update on my life. So, I am healing from the EX. He's done enough damage, and I think that my brain has finally gotten over him. And yes I mean my brain, not my heart. I don't know if I really "loved" him. I felt like I did, but that could have just been my infatuation with him. haha. I don't know. I mean, maybe it was love, but not the lasting kind, like, I will always care about him, but I think I am finally starting to move on, thanks to a little help from my friends. I get by with a little help from my friends. haha. =) Yeah, so I feel better, that I've finally let go of him. I've held on long enough. It's time to relax, and I think I may finally be doing so. YAY!!! So, Bestie and I got into another spat, but we worked it out.. I think. She's reading this, so hopefully she can clarify for me. =) Okay, so life... Life is getting better I guess. I suppose that maybe the pendulum of my emotions is swinging back towards the happy side. Let's hope! I haven't talked to Saint in a week. Not that long, but for me, a week is forever. Honestly, I haven’t really been thinking about him lately. My mind has been on school, and friends, and writing, and my Shining Knight. I know odd nickname for a person, but his name literally means Shining Knight, so I figured it would fit.
Now there is a story behind the SK(Shining Knight). Bestie originally had a crush on SK. So, I, of course, took it into my hands to "meet" this person, to see if he was good enough for my friend. Not the easiest thing to do, when you are like 10 states away. haha. So, I added him on Facebook and we started chatting. From what Bestie told me, he seemed okay, kinda cool, and extremely interesting. I talked to him for a while, and after getting Bestie's approval, tried to figure out if he liked her. Well, I did. I found out. Turns out she wasn't his type. Well, something I didn't mean to do while talking to him, was end up liking him myself. Yes lady's and gentlemen. I ended up liking SK myself. He seemed so perfect. I told Bestie this, actually no, Bestie figured it out, quickly might I add. She didn't seem to mind at all, which stunned me, and even encouraged me to talk to him. What a nice friend!!! So I continued to talk to him, but our conversations seemed kinda odd. I liked him, yet he didn't seem to into me. Said I wasn't his type. Well, about two days ago I think it was, I was iming him on Facebook, and he asked me a very personal question. And I answered him as honestly as I could. And he totally changed. He told me, that that was the most interesting conversation we had ever had, and that he thought completely differently about me. haha. Amazing what honestly can do. So we continued to talk, and he informed me that he has Asberger's syndrome. Wonderful movie on that called Adam, really you must see it. Well, also turns out he has the traits of Antisocial personality Disorder (Sociopathy). Well, for some reason that doesn't bother me one bit. He is extremely interesting. So after our honest conversation, we were talking again on Facebook, and he asked if I wanted to be his Online Pretend Girlfriend. I know that is kinda really odd, but I said sure why not. Now every time we talk we call each other gf or bf, love, sweety, darling, that kinda stuff. It's really funny. Then we started this kinda writing thing he calls Episodes. He starts something, by giving a scene and a short description and we go back and forth writing paragraphs. One thing I didn't learn about SK until I a few days ago, was that he is a hell of a writer. I mean like crazy good. I almost started drooling when he sent me a sample of his work. He asked what I thought of it, and my response was "I'm in love." haha. HE CAN WRITE! and he never told me! So we went back and forth, and immediately I felt like my writing was shit compared to his. He read my responses to his setting starters and told me that I too had talent, and I could write. After a while of going back and forth writing parts for the same story, he was like "We should write a book together." Oh, how I would love it. haha. He isn't really a flirt, but lately he has been a little flirty, and I really like it. So all today I have been really anxious to talk to him, since we have more writing to do tonight.
So in other news, I have vocal rehearsal for the musical today. 4-6 pm. YAY!!!! So excited. I am really in a good mood. I think it's because of my friends. My mom always told me I should learn how to be happy with myself first, so I don't become dependent on friends for happiness, and I think she was right I do, but it's really hard learning how to be happy with yourself. So I guess my happiness if coming from my acceptance from my friends lately. Also, my writing class, which I have grown to love as a family, has made me feel a lot better. That class is the only class I have where I feel accepted and completely comfortable. I love those people. They are wonderful, and Blondie has become a friend too, and has helped me with a bit of stuff. It feels good to be around people who actually seem to care. I don't have many friends in this hell of a state, but the ones I have are wonderful. I just don't really like the people I am surrounded by. I don't want shallow friends. That's why I love people like Bestie (I swear she was a hippie in her past life) and SK (my antisocial pretend boyfriend). I like to be around interesting people, and if that means the weird people, then that's okay. I like to be around the kind of people that will never bore me with their shallowness. And I can be shallow. Everyone can, I just don't like to be around those kinds of people.
Well, I guess that is it for this blog entry. Enjoy, my wonderful readers.

Cuz You Had a Bad Day... I mean "I"

Well, hello friends. I am back again. For a while there I didn't really have anything new to write about, but I do now! haha. Not a very happy blog, but that's okay I guess. Not everything has to be happy, right? Well, today is the 17th of November as you all know. I am going to start with last friday. This last weekend was Camelot Days, a ren. fair. My mothers dance troup were going to perform, and they were going to have a tent up for people to purchase bellydance merchandise. I ended up helping. I was the cashier. So Friday, we worked on setting everything up, and Saturday and Sunday were the actual fair days. Another thing I guess I should mention, is that the head woman, the owner of the dance studio and partial founder of the dance troup my mom is in, is also the mother of my ex-bf Yu Yi. Yu Yi and I dated for a full year, and then of course I was the stupid one, and broke up with him a few days after our year mark. Yay! Go Me! Such a stupid idiot I am! Oh, well. Anyway, I was helping set up and everything was fine, until Yu Yi showed up. Now Yu Yi and I keep trying to talk, and be friends, but it doesn't always work so well, mostly my fault again, because I miss him. Well, at times Yu Yi is nice to me, and we play around, like friends. Other times, he ignores me completely and honestly that really hurts. It shouldn't because we aren't together anymore, and havn't been for about 5 months. Well, Friday night, he ignored me like I had the plauge. I swear, even I was begining to think that I wasn't really there. I gotta say, he really knows how to make me feel wonderful. So I ended up in tears. Then Saturday, the first day of the fair, I was working, and I gotta say, I got really lonely. I was very unhappy. Yu Yi talked to me a little bit here and there, so that kind of made me feel less lonely and happier, but it didn't last long. I ended up getting into a fight with my mom, and ended up crying. Then Sunday, I went and Yu Yi was talking to me a bit more than the previous day, that's when Ugh showed up. Now the first time I met Ugh I thought she seemed pretty cool, but after watching Yu Yi Sunday I began to hate her. After she showed up, I didn't exist to Yu Yi. He followed her around like a puppy dog. Everywhere she went, he followed. I swear he was glued to her hip. And it really pissed me off. Jealously. I know. That stupid evil tormenting green monster. >.> Well needless to say, I ended up in tears that day too, and to make it worse his mother, my friend, ended up yelling at him for ignoring me and forced him to spend time with me. How embarrassing, huh? So he spent time with me, talked to me, and as terrible I thought it was that he had been forced to talk to me I was happy he was. I really miss him. He was a good boyfriend. My first kiss. haha. But his company didn't last long. As soon as his mom left to perform he went right back to Ugh and stayed with her the rest of the night. I wanted to kill them both. I ended up freaking out in tears that night, and left to go sit in the dark and sob. Something most people don't know, that might explain why I was hurting so bad... I have depression. It runs in my blood. My mom has depression and so do I. I don't remember the correct term but I call it Extreme Depression. I didn't notice it when I was younger, but the older I get the worse the depression gets. My dad studied psychology in college, I think he has a masters, and he talked to me about it and said the reason why my depression is worse now is because my chemicals are changing so the depression is strengthening. Yay! How fun. And looking back I realized how strong it actually is. When I laugh, and seem to be enjoying my time I don't feel it. I never feel the happiness or laughter down to my soul. It's like a mask. I only feel it on the surface. I can feel that the happiness I am experiencing at the moment isn't real and that it will be replaced by lonliness and anger and sadness really soon. And when I am truely happy, it never lasts long. When I feel it down in my soul, it lasts very small amounts of time. Sometimes 2 days. Sometimes 2 hours, sometimes as little as 5 minutes. And then I go right back to hurting. It's not easy, and most of my life I've had a pretty good grip on my emotions. But as I get holder, it's harder to control myself. I find myself crying sometimes out of nowhere for no reason, just because my soul hurts. And I have always had a concept on what "heartbreak" means, but I didn't know that you can actually feel pain in your heart when you are sad. Sometimes when I break down for no reason and just start sobbing, I feel pain in my heart, the kind of pain that makes your body involuntarily curl up as you grasp your stomache just wishing the pain would go away. I hate it. I hate hurting, but I don't know how to controll the depression. I have talked to my parents about possibly seeing a therapist, but I don't know if I believe it would help at all. Plus would you trust someone who, when you break down there title, is known as "The Rapist".... haha. Yeah okay lame I know. tehe. And then as if my weekend wasn't bad enough, yesterday after school, Saint told me he's uncomfortable in the relationship and thinks I'm obsessed with him. That he still wants to be friends, he just can't be my anchor. Well, how does my brain work when it thinks about how to solve this? Leave him alone. That way I don't bother him anymore. So pretty much, even though he said we are still friends, my brain hears "Not friends anymore" and I don't know how to change that. I'm not mad at him, I was yesterday. When he said it I was hurt and confussed and I felt betrayed, but today I don't really feel anything. I am numb, just like after a sobbing episode, my heart and body are just numb. It's no fun. But I will eventually learn how to control my depression, I hope. And I know I can't really stop the depression, but I'm sure I could somehow make myself hurt less. I really am sick of hurting.

I Am Blessed With Some Wonderful Friends.

So today, on this lovely chilly morning, I am going to write about a very important person in my life. He's my number 2 best friend. There's Bestie, whom you all know from previous blogs, and I have known her for 6 years. This other best friend of mine, I will call Saint. haha. Okay, so Saint is exactly what his name says, a Saint. He's my own personal Saint. =) I met Saint when I was in 7th grade, so that's what? 2 or 3 years ago. We met in a summer online writing workshop. It was actually the second time I had taken the class, the exact same one, and believe it or not it was an accident that I took the same class twice. But I went with it, because I thought it would be good for me to take the same assignment and create a brand new story from it. So I once again, just as the first time, checked the class roster. All girls, just like last time...WAIT!!! Is that a boy? I grinned when I realized that there was indeed a BOY in my class. In case you didn't notice, I prefer talking to guys than talking to girls most of the time. So I sent him an e-mail. One of those stupid videos were you watch it and at the end something pops out at you. Yeah, dorky I know. But he responded! And we immediatly started talking. Throughout the whole course, we discussed the assignments, to Sarah Palin and Obama, and almost everything else we could think of to possible talk about. And we got along famously. It was wonderful. =D

After the course ended, I admit, I was terrified that our friendship was going to end. However, it didn't. We continued to talk, sending e-mails to eachother, almost every day. And then we decided to move the relationship to phone calls as well as e-mails. Of course, I was the one to call him. I was soooo scared. My hands were shaking, partly because I was scared he wouldn't like me, and partly because I was scared that he would be some 80 year old pedifile. Well he answered and we started talking. He was definitly not an 80 year old perv. Thank God, because I wasn't ready to end our relationship. We talked for about 2 hours, and then continued to e-mail. Every day he called at the same time and every time he called my parents yelled "It's your boyfriend!" That always embarassed me, but Saint thought it was hilarious and laughed every time my parents said it. And every time I called his house, his little sisters would answer, and start giggling when I asked to talk to him, to which they yelled at him "It's your girlfriend!" Well, for the first year we talked on the phone every single day for at least 2 hours. We got along well. Then he started to get distant, which confused me. And when I questioned him about it he informed me that he had a girlfriend, and he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Which of course hurt my feelings. haha. Well after me telling him that it's fine, it's not like we were dating. So, we continued to talk and of course after a while, his girlfriend, I'll call her Jenny, decided that she didn't like me too much and told him to not talk to me anymore. Well, much to her dismay he did continue to talk to me. After a few months of dating her, she broke up with him for another guy. He was mucho triste/ very sad. ='( Well, at this point, I had a boyfriend, but that didn't mean I wasn't there for Saint. I comforted him the best I could. And he apologized for being such a jerk to me while he had been dating Jenny. Our friendship grew stronger again, and my boyfriend actually broke up with me, because he thought I liked Saint more than him, since by this time Saint and I were affectionate. We both ment a lot to eachother, and said we loved eachother every time we talked, but we were friends, and even though both of us had declared being in love with eachother at different times, we were both content with friendship. I even became really good friends with Saint's best friend, Beast, which both Saint and I thought was awesome.

A while later, Boyfriend and I broke up, and Saint was there for me. Like always. Then Saint's father got diagnosed with cancer. After a few months, actually in the middle of October of this year, Saint's father died. When I found out, I tried desperatly to contact Saint, but he wasn't responding at all. So I sent him an e-mail saying I was so sorry for his loss, and that I don't expect him to talk about any of it, but I would always be there for him, and that he had my support like always and that I loved him.After a few weeks, a week ago today, he contacted me. And once again we are back to talking often, but he doesn't have as much time now, because he is trying to be the man of his house, and support his family.

Saint is only 17 years old, goes to college and has a job, and he is a wonderful guy. I love him to death, and I think it's really cool, that two people who have never met eachother in person, can be such good friends.

This blog was going to be about my life, and the things that I consider important. Saint is one of those people that I consider to be extremely important, and I am very proud to have him as my friend.

How to -- how to Succeed!

¡Hola mis lectores! ¡Espere que usted tuviera todo un día agradable! or Hello my readers! Hope you all had a nice day!  So today I was talking to Oops after school and he told me to blog about the whole school audition thing. So, I decided I will. =) At my school our new musical is How to Succeed in Buisness Without Really Trying. ( i think i spelled buisness wrong). Well, I decided that I wanted to try out for the musical. Well, everyone trying out was informed that we all had to do a dance audition. I am not a dancer! I mean I dance, but I can't dance... >.>   Well, I went and I was nervous, but I realized that it was fun. People were tripping over eachother, and everyone giggled when they screwed up. It was a blast. I don't know why I had been so scared in the first place. Then today after school was the Singing/ Acting audition. Well, this morning I realized I had never picked out a monologue, so I went to the library at my school and searched desperatly for a monologue. When I finally found one, I arrived late to my acting class, first period class, and asked my teacher, I'll call him Drama!, so I asked Drama! if my monologue would be acceptable, and after recieving the okay, I spent an hour memorizing it. After just one hour I had my monologue memorized. Yeah!!! I know, I'm awesome. haha. I decided for my song to do "Whatever Lola Wants" from Damn Yankees. I auditioned second. I was extremely nervous, but honestly I survived. =p It was fun, as much as I was freaking out. I think I did okay. Not terrible, but I'm sure I could have done better. I then waited for my friend Broadway to do her audition which was 2 hours later. While we were waiting for her audition time, we decided to walk around the school, seeing if any of the teachers were left. That is where we ran into Oops who then told me to blog about this. See Oops? I blogged about it and even mentioned you a few times. =)

Hasta lavista! ( did I spell that right?)

Friend Sick

Well, here I am again, here to write another entry. Yay!! Woo hoo! Well, tonight I was talking to Bestie. And all of a sudden I realized that I was saying things I've held in for quite some time.

Bestie is the perfect kid. I mean Perfect, with a capital P, seriously. She never breaks rules, does everything her parents want her to, gets good grades and is the best friend on the planet. I have no idea how she does it. I honestly don't. Bestie and I have always had a wonderful relationship. We are total opposites, so I guess we balance eachother out. Well, tonight Bestie and I got into a fight. In our 6 years of friendship we have only fought I think once before. Well, tonight something in my mind said "I guess it's time to fight." So we got in a fight, me talking about how perfect everything for her is, and how I wish she would do something other than everything everyone asks of her. Guess that was too much to ask. She told me she loved me, and that no one cares as much about her as I do, but she started doing what she does... Defending her parents. I love her parents. They are really cool, but I wish Bestie would break some rules. Do something different for a change, and tonight I decided to tell her. Now I am fighting tears. I don't usually cry when my friends and I argue, thats how much Bestie means. Until next time, peace.