Okay... So About This Blog

Okay, so after creating this blog I decided to tell ALL my friends about it, because honestly I am very excited about this blog. I get to speak out and someone will read it. =) However I guess I really didn't think about reactions. Already a really good friend of mine has told me that one of my blogs hurt her feelings. I said sorry of course and that wasn't the purpose of the blog. But just a note for readers, I don't judge my friends number 1. Number 2 I don't really talk bad about people. I don't try to hurt people, I just try to get my words out. My words may not always be so nice and kind, I am not going to sugar cookie my writing, just so people feel better. Get a grip on your feelings and deal with it. When I write I tell the truth. I don't think about who it will hurt, I think about what my purpose is in getting these words out. The story of my life, i spoke about hating Arkansas. I was being honest. Doesn't mean I hated the people there, or my friends there, I just didn't like living there. That's all. Just a little note. Thanks.

My Own Personal Escape

In the times when I need an escape I usually turn to books. People think that when I read, it's just to read, for the fun of it. Sometimes I read just to read, but most of the time I read to escape. I read to get as far away from reality as I can. I know, not very mature, but there are times when I am so sick with the world that all I want to do is vanish. When I lived in Massachusettes, I was a very different person than I am know. I used to be loud, bold, high spirited and honestly didn't care what anyone thought of me. I had my group of friends, and I was happy. I danced down the hallways, I stood up for myself and others. I still read back then, but not as much as I do now. Since MA, I have changed. My friends from MA still tell me that I am the same, that I really don't seem different at all. My best friend for example, I'll call her Bestie, she has quoted numerous times that I'm the same old person, that I'm not one tad bit different, I just look older.


I am different though. I am quiet. I am shy. I am kinda awkward. I don't make friends as easily and over the years have found it harder and harder to make friends. I don't trust people as much now as I used to. I am more guarded, and because of it, I seem to withdraw from other people more. So, to try not to look like a little depressed antisocial girl, I read. Teachers thing I'm such a good kid, because I read. They don't understand. I read to forget. I read to escape. I read to pretend that everything is extremely wonderful.


I kind of have trouble connecting with people my own age. I find it very difficult to talk to them. I get along much better with people who are older than me. That's not always an easy thing to deal with. I'm not saying I'm a depressed kid, yes I have my lows, everyone does, but I just can't handle life sometimes. I need my escape. Some people have music, some cooking, some painting, running, etc. etc. but for me, when I need to have the world disappear, I turn to books. Teach is going to read this, along with B-Ball, Dance, Oops, Absentee, Canada and Blondie. Hope it doesn't change their view of me, though it might. I'm not so wonderful just because I read, I just need to not have to think every now and then. Until next time, I bid you adieu.

Focus Gone Down The Toilet

So here I am, trying to do my homework. And I can't focus. This year my goal has been to get wonderful grades, and my grades are great so far, however my focus is going down the shiter. I find myself taking over an hour to actually even lift the cover of my textbooks. Everything is so distracting. I guess this blog also funtions as my "person" to talk to. Well, actually I guess that would be the role of the reader, huh? Well, I would love some advice, if anyone has any, on how to stay focused on homework. I have a shitload of homework to do, and not being able to focus on it is driving me crazy. Well, Aloha!!!

My Life Up To Now

I am origionally a New Englander, as I've mentioned before. I was born October 5th 1994 at 12:12 in Camebridge, MA weighing 6 lbs 8 oz. My mother is a wonderful woman who works really hard. She has been there for me almost every time I need her. My dad is great too. He understands everything I say. My mom met my dad when I was two years old. My biological father , or as I call him "the Sperm Doner" is nonexistant. I don't consider him my father in any way and honestly I don't want to ever meet him. He has been out of my life for most of it. Since before I was two. He never called, never sent me a birthday card. Nothing. And soon he became a spot of ntohing in my mind. I am happy I ended up with the father I have now, because honestly I can't imagine anyone else having the dad role in my life. It just doesn't seem possible. Now, my family moves around a lot. After I was born, my mom brought me to Florida where we lived with my grandparents for a while. When I was two after my mom and dad had been together for a while, we moved in with him at his apartment in Fort Lauderdale. We lived there with him until I was eight. When I turned eight, the decision to move was made. We packed up our stuff, had a goodbye party and made our way up north. Numerous motels and burger king's later, we reached Salem, MA. We met wonderful people there, people who made a huge difference in my life. People I am very thankful for having the chance of knowing. We lived in Salem for two years and then for personal reasons decided our time there was up and it was time to move. So we made our way to a wonderfully charming little town called Newburyport, MA. Newburyport was like the perfect town, the perfect place to raise a family. We stayed there for my 5th and 6th grades. I loved it. It was the perfect town. Really, I wish we had never left. Well, at my old school I met my best friend. I havn't seen her in 3 1/2 years and we are still as close as we were when I lived there. The Newburyport phase was also when I met my first real boyfriend. He was wonderful. haha. We knew eachother for 5th grade, and hated eachother. We made fun of eachother all the time, and played mean pranks. Then one night at a sleep over at my best friends house, when I was about to pass out, I mumbled that I liked him. MY best friend flipped out and the next day asked him out for me, without telling me first. On my birthday he said he would go out with me. We dated for a full year and then the whole Shelby thing happened, but that is a story for a different time. During 6th grade, in 2006 my little brother was born. That as well is another story for another time. After 6th grade ended we moved to Horseshoe Bend, Arkansas. I know. It was just that bad. haha. Arkansas was utterly horrid. We all became very depressed not being around civilization. So after a year and a half of that good ol' arky livin' we decided to move...back to Florida. Yippee! Well, I currently live in Florida, and this is my second year here. And I don't like it. Not at all. That is pretty much my life up till now in a nutshell. I know, I move a lot.

Paper Dolls in a Paper World

Real. I am a real person. When my parents informed me that we were moving back to Florida I thought "Well, sunny Florida. I guess that could be fun." Well, I was wrong. I understand now why we moved out of Florida before. I hate this state, no offense to the people who live here, but I mean come on. Not a fun state. Everything is the same. I go to a supposedly wonderful school. Yes, some of my teachers are AMAZING, but the school in general I hate. I don't like most of the people who go to school with me. I hate my school. Honestly I kinda hate my life in Florida in general. I am a northener. A New Englander at heart. Born in Camebridge, MA and spent most of my life in Massachusettes, in Salem and Newburyport. I LOVE snow, I love the cold. I am a cold person. I HATE heat. That is one of the things I hate so much about Florida. Another thing, forgive me nature de Florida, but I enjoy seeing the seasons change. I enjoy seeing the leaves turn orange, and I love going to pick out pumpkins and drink hot apple sider on the New England farms. I love getting lost in the corn stalks. I love eating their cinnimon homemade doughnuts. Here in Florida, I just don't fit in. I mean, I never really fit in anywhere I've lived, but Florida is the worst. Not saying that I want to be just like everyone else, I want to stand out, but I just don't feel accepted here, and anyone who has felt that before knows that it sucks. I spend most of my time at school just watching my peers. Honestly I do. I like to people watch. A great activity for actors and actresses, which I am, but it's not just that it's helpful with character dialasis. I enjoy watching people. period. I enjoy watching how people react, the way their personality changes due to the person they are talking to. The thing is, in my school we wear uniforms. They say that the uniforms are supposed to help, because when you don't express yourself through clothes people don't judge you as much. LIE! People judge just at much when you look like everyone else as when you stand out. I prefer to stand out. I look at these people in my school, and I judge. I do. Everyone does. It's called having an oppinion. haha. I've noticed though, that here people don't seem to actually be real. I watch them, milling about the school, jumping from class to class with a splash of time to gossip with eachother. The thing is, they are all the same... Except for those few who are actually real human beings. Since moving to Florida, everyone acts the same. All the girls look the same, and I mean personality wise. They all talk the same, all wear the same stuff. I mean come on! Where is the origionality???? I was talking to my friend about it today and the phrase "Paper dolls in a paper world" came out of my mouth. That's what it is here. Florida is infamous for being the land of the boring...and oranges. Numerous movies have made fun of Floridas' sense of perfection. Edward Scissorhands for example, that neighborhood was based off of Florida. the people are all the same and the places all look the same. Same houses same lives. Same materialistic, artifical lives. Once again, I point out that not everyone in Florida is like this of course, just 98% of the Floridian population. I don't want to be stuck in a world of paper people. I want to live. I want to be in a world were actually acting out makes people look at you with respect. Why can't people look at the beauty of origionality? Well, I am sick of being surrounded by paper dolls in this paper world.