Something For The Pain, Just To Kill This Feeling

Hey. So last night sucked completely. Gamer has found a new girl at his school that he likes. I will call her Tyme. Tyme is like his perfect girl, geeky, videogame player, draws anime. Yeah she's great. Well, I guess he got sick of hearing me complain because I am jealous and stuff, because you know I love him. So, he sent me a text message asking me to forget about him and to not talk to him anymore. So he doesn't want me in his life, just like Bestie doesn't. And the worst part. My dream is really happening. It was Gamer, Bestie, Bad-Ass and a few other people. And what happened in that dream? Bestie and Gamer both got in the car and left me. The only difference is Gamer told me that he wasn't ever going to leave me. Well, surprise!!! So needless to say, last night I kind of had my first breakdown in a while. I was happy. I thought things were finally starting to work out. I was adjusting fine to not having Bestie anymore, and I was happy about school and things were starting to get good. But life can't let me be happy for longer than a day, so of course I had to have one of the most important people in my life tell me to stop talking to him.... Of course, I am hurt. My insides feel as if they are tearing apart and my heart has sunk faster than the Titanic. It hurts a lot. I really can't stand this. I am so sick of being so unhappy. Why can't I just be happy? I don't understand. If someone could at least give  me a reason why I need to lose everyone I care about, it would make it a bit easier. Because I can't even think of a reason why all this is happening to me. I need it to stop though so I can live my life in some state of sanity. But I don't know if that is going to happen. Until then, I get to feel really sad. The scary part is I am getting so used to being upset that last night after the initial heart tearing to shreads, my whole body went numb much faster than it ever has before. It's just great... Well, I have to go. School starts at 8 and I need to head to class.

I can do this.
I can get through it.
I am strong.

Wish me luck.

Except for You and Me Love, Everyone Is The Same

Aloha!!!!! So today is Spaghetti dinner at my school which is this dinner thing run by the junior class, which is me. Yay!

So, in other breaking news.... Well, not much has changed. I am listening to the best song ever. You should listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcrpp7bDh9Y . So listen to it. It is by the band Rise Against. Great band. It's because of Gamer that I know who this group is for it is his favorite band, and I understand why. I've been listening to nothing but Rise Against for the past 4 days straight... Yeah, I'm having a mini Rise Against obsession. It's good music. But out of all the songs I've heard from Rise Against, this is my favorite song so far... Awesome.

So, Valentines day was yesterday. It was bad. Bad-Ass and I got into a mini argument and it sucked. But then I got home and my whole day brightened because my gifts from Bad-Ass had showed up and I got to open them on Valentines day which was awesome. So it definately ended well. It was a good day in the end. It was very nice. So I have to go, because school starts in 10 minutes and I have to be in class in 5.

Oh yeah! And to show what a dork I am. Tomorrow my mom and I are going to see Brett Michaels at the Hard Rock. Yes I know cheesy. For those of you who don't know who that is, look him up/ look up the band Poison. Hahaha. Cheesy big haired 80's rock. I can't wait!!!! :p 
Later.

I'm Not Gonna Write You A Love Song

Hello there! So, valentines day... *sigh*

Okay, to get right into it I guess I will say, I don't like Valentines day. I really don't. Which may seem odd to some of you that know me because you know what a romantic I am. However, I really don't like Valentines day, and I never really have. Ever since I can remember valentines day was a day dedicated to "love" (not really) a day made for all the people in the world to show their love to others. And that's really nice. It is. The reason why I hate it is very simple. Ever since I was little it was always me watching everyone else be all lovey. Watching all the other girls in class get valentines because boys liked them, where I only got valentines because it was manditory to give everyone one, so that they didn't feel left out. Well shocker, I felt left out. Even today, 6 years later, I still feel left out. Yes I have a boyfriend. Bad-Ass is the best, and I love him tons but he's not here. So while at school, I get to listen to everyone talk about their valentines day plans with their bf's/gf's and I get to watch the school couples be all lovey dovey. And I, once again, get to feel left out. It's not Bad-Ass's fault. He lives super far away. I'm not mad at him or anything I'm really not. Location sucks. Oh well. I just hate the fact that all the single people and all the LDR people have to sit here and watch everyone bask in the love, while we get to sit here wishing (for the LDR people) that our loved one was with us so we could do something special. I want to do something special for Bad-Ass. I really do. Make him dinner and watch a movie or something, I don't know. Kinda hard to do thought when you are so far away.

Bad-Ass, I love you tons. Happy Valentines day.

For everyone else, happy valentines day. Hope your day doesn't suck as much as mine will.
Until next time.

Stand Here Until I Fill All Your Hearts Desire

Hey there. So I know that I havn't blogged in a while. So sorry about that. I've been pretty busy lately living life. How complicated everything is. So life is goodish I guess. It has been raining a bit down here which makes me really happy because I love rain. The sky has been a constant beautifully gloomy shade of gray. I love it. Things with Bad-Ass are wonderful as always. He really is a wonderful guy, and I am so thankful to have met him. He makes me extremely happy and I am very pleased to be able to put a smile on his face every single day as well. It's nice to be loved and to love someone in return. All you need is love!


Speaking of love, a lost love has come back into my life. I don't think I've mentioned him on here before. I will call him Jack Skellington, due to his love of The Nightmare Before Christmas (best movie ever. I love Tim Burton.) So Jack Skellington was my boyfriend in 6th grade. Yes quite a while ago. He and I were together for a year, which was like an eternity in that grade. Well, he and I broke up after a year because of the whole Bitchcuntwhore incident...And then I moved away. To lovely Arkansas. Yes it was a huge mistake. Anyway, he and I didn't talk for a year, and then we suddenly merged back into eachothers lives, then after a few months we got into a huge fight and didn't talk to eachother for another year... You see this would be the beginning of our pattern. This is what we have been doing for the past 6 years. We talk a little, fight, then vanish. Well, he is back again and things are already a little iffy. I'm getting very annoyed with him already, but then again it's not his fault he is so busy. A job does that to you. Well, he's back and I am enjoying talking to him, because I really did miss him, and he is one of my best friends, and he knows more about me than anyone else on the planet does. He knows what I'm thinking before I do. And in a time when I am losing friends, keeping one wouldn't be that bad of an idea. Yeah I said losing them. Bestie and I are on a rocky ledge. A few days ago I gave her a peace offering, but she hasn't said anything about it or gotten back to me on it so I don't know what is going  on with her, but I have a feeling I'm losing my best friend.

In other news, I guess life is okay. Things are okayish. Well, things suck, but I can take it. I'm tough. SK has a new girlfriend, which when I found out it actually kinda tore me apart. It's a really long story about why it hurt so much, but I'm not going to write about that right now, because I am in school, and if I write about that I will cry. So I am going to pass.


I guess I am okay. I'm not horrifically crumbled but I am doing okay. Life is so difficult though. I feel so worthless some times. And then to top it off last night I had a horrible dream. Bestie, Gamer, Bad-Ass, Jack Skellington, and some other people from school that I've never talked to before were in it. It started out good with me hanging out with Bad-Ass, but then it got bad when his father as well as mine started making fun of us. Like, mean making fun. Then the dream changed and I was with Bestie and a bunch of her new friends. Gamer was there too and so was his awesome mom. That's also the part that Jack Skelllington was in. So we were all sort of hanging out and Bestie wasn't really talking to me. Then her friend pointed out that I looked a bit sad, so Bestie asked if I wanted to go to the carnival with them. I said sure but when we got to the car I  could see I wasn't going to fit with all of them. So I turned around and started walking away. They left me. Gamers mom was there and asked were everyone had gone. I told her they left me to go to a carnival and she appologized then asked were Gamer was. I told her he went too. She got upset at that saying that he should have stayed and hung out with me like a gentleman (which he most likely would have done in real life.) I then decided to walk home. I think my dreams are trying to point out the obvious. I am terrified that I am losing all of my best friends. I hope that doesn't happen. I barely have any friends as it is. I can't handle losing the ones I do have.

Until next time.
 Bye

P.S. listen to this song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoyyr1SFPCY