Aloha. Well, I guess I should give you alittle update, since my life is eternally changing. So, last time I really blogged, I talked about my conflict with Bad-Ass and Screamo. Well, Bad-Ass took control, and dumped me. He didn't want to, and he regreted it, I know because I've talked to him on the phone and through email every day since. We broke up last Tuesday, and it sucked. He said he broke up with me, so I could be happy and I will forever be thankful. I wanted to try this out with Screamo. I wanted to take a chance, and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't. But it's better than regretting never trying. So, hopefully it doesn't bite me in the ass. So Bad-Ass is planning on joining the military again, now that we aren't together. I don't want him to get hurt, so I am still worried about it. I mean, I still care about him. I would like it if he didn't go and get his head blown off, but it's his life. As he says, I need to let him live it.
So, Screamo and I are together, which I'm sure you've already guessed. It's going well. I am enjoying it. It's nice having a boyfriend who goes to the same school as me, considering all my relationships have been long distance since 6th grade, so its only like my 3rd actual relationship with a guy who lives near me. It's really nice. It's great knowing that if I'm depressed, I just have to wait until after class, and there is a hug waiting for me. It's wonderful. I am very thankful for it. He's great. Really awesome, and cool, and funny, cute, adorable, sweet, sarcastic... He has some characteristics that I see in myself, so we do get along well. We have a pretty similar taste in music (cept for that Screamo shit. I hate that. Sorry. :p ) Well, it's good. We get along fantastically. With him, we already have this previous connection (not that I know where it's come from). He makes me really nervous. When I know I'm about to see him, my heart races, and my hands shake and I get really nervous. But the minute I'm in his arms, everything is better. My heart and blood pressure immediatly go down, my hands stop shaking. It's peace. And I like it. It's good having a shoulder to cry on literally. I'm not used to having the one I care for so close. It's much easier than long distance relationships... (No shit, I know. I knowww) I like it. I'm happy with him and that's good. With him, everything feels.... right. Perfect. Proper. I just, click extremely well with him, and it's still something that I don't quite understand. I don't know if I will ever understand it. I just feel it. I can't describe it. I don't know what it is. It's just there and its beautiful. It's the most beautiful feeling. Now, as you all know, I have depression, and lately it has been kicking up with the huge stress increase with the whole Bad-Ass thing. Numerous times a day I find myself walking down the hall, feeling lost. Everything just sort of blurs, and I get completely lost in my thoughts. And then I look up, and our eyes meet. And it puts everything on pause. And those feelings and that cloudiness immediatly clear up. Like smoke slipping out a window, it just wooshes away. It's amazing. I've never had someone effect me like that before. I don't understand at all. But I have to say, I am extremely thankful for it. I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.
Yes, I still feel like shit about Bad-Ass. I do still love him and I always will. But I want to do something for me, for once. Every relationship I've been in, that I have wanted to leave, I stay in longer because I am scared of hurting the person I am with. I don't like to cause pain. I've had enough pain caused in me by other people, I don't ever want to cause that to someone else. So I feel horrible for Bad-Ass, and I do feel like the worlds biggest bitch. But with this, With Screamo, for once I decided that I wanted to do something for me. It wasn't personal to Bad-Ass, because he was an amazing boyfriend, but I just... I'm running out of time. I'm going to be in college soon, and then with a job and married and starting a family. Now is the time to take chances, and to experience new things. Now is the time to take a chance, and step out there into the rushing traffic. Maybe something marvelous will hit me. And with Screamo, he was something fabulous that just appeared. And I wanted to be selfish for once. I wanted to do something for me. I wanted to be happy for me instead of worrying about what the fuck I do to someone else.
Bad-Ass, if you are reading this, I love you and I always will. I'm so sorry as you know.
Screamo, I love you, and thank you for being here for me.
What the fuck am I doing?
Hey there. So the first thing I am going to say is that I am a horrible girlfriend. I havn't done anything, but I have a feeling, that feelings are going to be hurt.
So, I have the best boyfriend in the world, Bad-Ass. He is everything I want and he is amazing, and perfect, and loves me so much. It's great. I am so happy to be his girlfriend. You can tell how much I love him from the way I've talked about him in the past... Bad-Ass, I love you. Please don't get all worried when you read this.
So, I have a new friend at school. I will call him Screamo, because he likes that shitty music. (No offense) Anyway, Screamo is awesome. He's my second friend I've made at a school I've been attending for 3 years.... I have a hard time making friends. Anyway, He's my friend, and I can't tell you how awesome and wonderful it is to have a friend at my god aweful school. He's great. Smart, funny, random, annoying in a good way, weird in a good way, and wants to practice the same religion I do, which is awesome. Well, he flirts, without really knowing it, but he does. He likes me, and has made that obvious. He likes me more than his own girlfriend. Yeah, forgot to mention he has a gf. Well, recently I have realized how awesome he is... And recently, I have realized that I kinda have a crush on him. Now, don't get me wrong I love my bf more than I could ever possibly say, and I am happy with him. I think it might be mainly because my bf is far away, and Screamo is right here. I don't know. All I know is that I am confused as hell.I really am. And I could use all the help I could get. I love my bf, and I want to stay with my bf, I do, but Screamo is pretty fucking awesome too. And I have passed up guys that are awesome before, to end up regretting it my entire life. And now I am left with a decision. I don't know what to do. Screamo was saying that he would break up with his gf if he could go out with me. He thinks I'm awesome, and we have this connection. I have a hard time opening up to people, and the first time we had a conversation, I opened completely up, and talking to him seemed familiar. I felt like I had known him my whole life, to which my dad said maybe I knew him in a past life. Maybe, because talking to him, he seems so fucking familiar. I feel like I've known him my entire life. I feel like we are old friends. It's weird. I don't know what to do. But there is a freight train heading in my direction, and no matter what, someone is going to get hurt, most likely me.Help me, I beg you.
Hey there. So, I am going to write a little something. I am not the happiest right now, so sorry if this brings your mood down.
So, lately life... Well, it has been okay I guess. Fiddler is going to leave soon, and should be gone by January, so thank god for that. Finally my little brother will have his bedroom back, and we will all have some more peace and quiet in the house. Maybe my parents will even get along better. Now don't get me wrong, my parents aren't fighting anymore, but the tension isn't gone. You can feel it in the air. There is tention between all of us. We are just fulllll of that damn tension. But hey, I can't change that. Believe me I have tried.
So, this morning wasn't the best. My mother and I didn't, I guess you can say, get along the best this morning. We were in the car, and once again she was pissed off at me because my fucking alarm clock went off. It's not my fault it didn't go off. She should complain to the fucking company that made it not me. But hey, that's not what I'm here to talk about. So, she was pissed at me, which brought her to start complaining about me and half yelling at me. So what did I do? I started getting bitchy right back. You act like a bitch to me, I'll act like a bitch to you. So, we both got "snappy" at eachother... So, every morning, my mom and I have a certain list of songs we listen to on the way to school. Well since I'm the one that pics out the songs, I was upset so I put on Riot by Three Days Grace, which if you listen to the words, seemed like I was picking a fight with her. Well I wasn't. But it was a shitty morning.
And thanks to this morning, the rest of my day is sucking greatly. I have felt like shit all day, and I don't know why. I'm extremely tired, and I just want to sleep and cry and scream all at the same time. What I really need is one of those hugs thats so good, you just start to cry and blubber all over that persons shoulder. haha. That is what I really need.
As for the last thing I will address. To Bad-Ass, my lovely boy, I am very thankful to have you, I just wish you lived closer to me, like oh I don't know, in the same state at least. I can't wait until spring, when you come visit me. It will be one of the best days ever. And you owe me a hug and a kiss. I lurv yew very much, and can't wait till you hold me in your arms.
As for everyone else, Hope your day is a hell of a lot better than mine.
Later.
So, Screamo and I are together, which I'm sure you've already guessed. It's going well. I am enjoying it. It's nice having a boyfriend who goes to the same school as me, considering all my relationships have been long distance since 6th grade, so its only like my 3rd actual relationship with a guy who lives near me. It's really nice. It's great knowing that if I'm depressed, I just have to wait until after class, and there is a hug waiting for me. It's wonderful. I am very thankful for it. He's great. Really awesome, and cool, and funny, cute, adorable, sweet, sarcastic... He has some characteristics that I see in myself, so we do get along well. We have a pretty similar taste in music (cept for that Screamo shit. I hate that. Sorry. :p ) Well, it's good. We get along fantastically. With him, we already have this previous connection (not that I know where it's come from). He makes me really nervous. When I know I'm about to see him, my heart races, and my hands shake and I get really nervous. But the minute I'm in his arms, everything is better. My heart and blood pressure immediatly go down, my hands stop shaking. It's peace. And I like it. It's good having a shoulder to cry on literally. I'm not used to having the one I care for so close. It's much easier than long distance relationships... (No shit, I know. I knowww) I like it. I'm happy with him and that's good. With him, everything feels.... right. Perfect. Proper. I just, click extremely well with him, and it's still something that I don't quite understand. I don't know if I will ever understand it. I just feel it. I can't describe it. I don't know what it is. It's just there and its beautiful. It's the most beautiful feeling. Now, as you all know, I have depression, and lately it has been kicking up with the huge stress increase with the whole Bad-Ass thing. Numerous times a day I find myself walking down the hall, feeling lost. Everything just sort of blurs, and I get completely lost in my thoughts. And then I look up, and our eyes meet. And it puts everything on pause. And those feelings and that cloudiness immediatly clear up. Like smoke slipping out a window, it just wooshes away. It's amazing. I've never had someone effect me like that before. I don't understand at all. But I have to say, I am extremely thankful for it. I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world. 
