Hehehe

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!!!!!!!  ^____^

Do You Feel Like A Puzzle, You Can't Find Your Missing Piece?

Hello again. So, today is really just a normal day, however I do have some new news. For starters, you remember that short story I wrote about a while back, the one about a sociopathic doctor? (Blog was called Assuming The Mind Of A Slightly Disturbed Individual). Well, anyway, the point is that I have started to add more to it. I decided that the story isn't done. There needs to be more, so more I will create. It should be fun because once again I need to learn how to think like my character. I'm actually really excited about it. I was telling Bad-Ass about it last night, and reading to him what I've written so far and I honestly started to freak him out, which is a very good thing considering the story is supposed to be creepy. I'm very proud of that story. Now the only problem is that now that I am starting it again I need my SK (Shining Knight, remember him?) to come back and help me out with it. But he and I aren't talking right now for some reason. We got in a mini disagreement, and then he vanished again. Sucks a lot. But hopefully he will come back at some point and then he can help me out with the story.

So, I am going to speak about Bad-Ass for a bit. He's back in my life which I wrote about a couple days ago. Yay! I'm happy. Not that we ever really stopped talking, but now things are just like they always were, which is great. That awesome compatibility we've got. I'm happy. He's around, and things are good. He's been a bit sad lately, but I've been trying as hard as I can to help him with that. Besides the sadness, things are really good. We both want be be back together, but I need me time. If it weren't for that "me" time I would be with him again, but I seriously need time to think about things. I'm really happy though that's he's around and that things are working. Makes me feel so much better about things. He's thinking about the future, as he always is, and we are back on the track that we will date in college, since that's the best idea, due to our distance (location wise). He's going to start blogging again soon which makes me feel great. He and I are pretty much together but not. The way we talk to eachother is just as if we were together, but we aren't. Yeah, it seems kinda odd to treat eachother how we would together, but not actually be together. It's all my doing. Part of me is also scared of failure though. I have my super low self-esteem, and I'm terrified I will fuck things up with the one guy I've found who truly loves me and cares about me. So, my fears are kind of holding me back. I want things to work with him, and I have no faith in myself for that to happen. He thinks we will work, but I know how much I fuck things up. I will try to be better though. Psych says I need to stop being so self-critical, which is true. I tear myself apart. I am my worst critic. Everything I do or think, I criticize. I will try to work on that, but no promises... Anyway, the point is that I am happy and that is a good thing. Everything unhappy that is trying to weasle it's way into my life can fuck off. I am good. It's going to stay that way, I hope. I really don't need the depression kicking in. I would love to have it stay away for a while. I would say forever, but I know that is not realistic. Hopefully the writing will get me back on track. It is a great distraction. It takes up time, which is what I need. So wish me luck with the story.

Bad-Ass, I love you!!!!! Blog please. I need to read more of your blogs. Also, you think we should start working on our collaborative blog again? I lurv yew. <3

It's Like A Picture Of A Loved One In Disguise

           Okay, well, last time I wrote was right before New Year's. New Years was wonderful, as it always is. ^__^ So, once again things are changing, growing, restarting. First of all, our cat, Luna, died. She had been with us for 11 years of my life. Very sad change in our life.

            Other things, Bad-Ass is back, thought he never really left, and things with him are the same. Things with him never really changed much. Even though we broke up, we still talk to eachother every single day, and get along great. He's my best friend, which is really all I can ask for, so I am happy. Screamo is here but not really. He keeps popping back up every now and then, and then disappears quickly. Oh well. I mean I miss him, but it didn't work out. So, what is supposed to happen will happen, and I can't really change it.
            
            As for the depression, it is of course still here, considering it will never go anywhere, but I'm doing pretty good so far. Talking to Psych is really helping me out, and I'm considering looking into medications, because I do realize that my problem is a chemical/biological thing that I can't change based on sheer will; it is something that needs to be taken care of chemically. I am still seeing Psych (at my school) and just like when I first started, I don't really like the fact that I have to see her at school, because I don't like having to miss class once a week and I don't like it because what if I break down? Then I have to go through the rest of my classes with people looking at me due to my red tear streaked face. Not cool. Makes me feel embarassed and ashamed. So my dad is helping me look for a psychologist that I can start seeing outside of school, which I am actually really excited about. I'm always reading books, since I'm a bookworm, and in them, people always hate their psychologists, but I actually really like mine. I enjoy talking to her. It calms me, which is kind of what it's supposed to do I guess. I am thankful for it. So hopefully, my depression will stay calm and not attack me anytime soon. I would really appriciate it.

           School is the same. Since it's a new semester I have started my Holocaust studies class. I am enjoying it so far. My grades are doing well, everything school wise is good. I'm still extremely stressed about the SAT's though.

          So back to Bad-Ass for a bit. He is going to start blogging again which is great. He asked me back out and I almost said yes. He's been there for me every single time I've needed him. He's always there for me, which I could use. But at the same time, the reason why I said no, is not because I don't want to be with him, because I do, but because I have decided, after Screamo broke up with me, that I need to take some time for me. I need to focus on my problems and try to fix them. I need to learn how to not be so self-critical, because I tear myself apart. I can't love someone and help them if I can't love and help myself, so I am going to start working on that. I think things will work out well. I am feeling confident, which is not an emotion I am used to.

       Pretty much, I am doing pretty good. For once. Yes I am still unhappy. Last night I actually had a very unhappy dream which helped me realize something HUGE that I need to overcome. The only problem will be overcoming it. It's not the easiest thing to confront, but I have to confront my relationship with my mother. My dream last night made it very clear that I need to try to fix that. So wish me luck!

       Bad-Ass, since I know you are reading this, as you always do, I want to remind you. I love you. Thank you for always being here for me, and not giving up no me like so many others do. Thank you for showing me you really care. You give me hope.