Hey there. 

Just a quick update.

My Moxie girl (my pet rat) isn't doing so well. Decided to make her a gofundmepage. She's got an infection and I cannot afford her antibiotics. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

http://www.gofundme.com/mfr9rcfg

Perseverance

Hey there. Back again. I keep looking back on old posts and seeing that each one says I want to start writing more, yet I don't. I really do want to change that. I miss blogging.

Anywho, an update is in order, I suppose.

Things with family are still iffy. My dad and I haven't seen each other in over a year. It's not fun. I was trying really hard before, but decided it wasn't worth the pain, as I was getting nowhere, so I backed off. Recently he's started sending me little messages here and there, and while each time I see an email from him, it fills me with sadness, I'm not sure what to do. I miss him so much, yet I'm so unsure. Part of me thinks that if I did just run back to him, things wouldn't change. They would just be the same, and I'm not ok with that. When it comes to mom, stuff hasn't really changed either. She's there, but not really. We haven't done any counseling or anything, like I wanted. I guess I kind of gave up on that too. Things haven't really been great in that area though. A lot of bad stuff is happening with him and my little brother, but there isn't really anything we can do about it. I'd say more, but I really don't want to. :/


Anywho, my goal is still to get outta here. I want to be back in Boston, as I have always wanted to be. I have decided on which college I'd like to go to. I decided that based on what I would like to go to school for, and the kind of experience I would like, that Northeastern University would be the best school for me. So *crosses fingers*, let's hope it works out.

Things are ok, I guess. I've been working at my moms company, in a temp position, and I really like it here. It's my first full-time job, and I love getting bigger paychecks, plus it's an office job, which is work that I'm better at. Retail and I just do not mesh well. However, tomorrow is my last day there, and then I'm back on the hunt for a new job.

In other news, Mista J and I broke up, on Halloween, actually. Neither one of us was really happy anymore, so I ended it. I didn't want to, and it hurt like hell, but I knew I had to do what was best for the both of us.

Currently, I have a new guy. I'm going to call him......Atomic. I will call him that because he wants to be in the service, and plans on it, and wants to work doing all that chemical warfare stuff. He's really smart, a new Englander, and pretty humble. He's one of those people who thinks before he speaks, which is something I highly admire. He's kind of shy, like me, but not as bad as me. He's extremely different than anyone I've ever been with. I like it though. It's a good kind of different. He's not scared of hurting my feelings. He'll be honest with me, even if it hurts, and I appreciate that, as I am the same way. I'm pretty happy to have him in my life, and feel pretty lucky. I feel like he's the kind of guy who would actually help me grow, someone who would push me to be the best I can be. I need someone like that. He really is great though. I'm a lucky girl.

I'm really missing being up north. I wish I could be up there playing in the snow. I honestly got pretty jealous when the big snow storm hit. My friends kept sending me pictures of all the snow, and it made me want to be there so badly. One day, I'll be able to go play in it again. 

My depression has been acting up a lot lately. The past week I've broken down almost every night. The first night it happened, I had felt it building all day while I was at work. The minute I got home and jumped in the shower, I fell apart. I broke down 4 times that night. It was horrendous. I'm not sure why it's so strong right now, but I've realized that it really doesn't have a pattern anymore, not like it used to. And I can't feel it coming as much, so I don't get as much of a warning. My anxiety has been pretty bad too. Almost everything makes me shake and start to hyperventilate.

Maybe I'm just scared....

Not sure what there is to be scared of though...
Life?
Failure?
Not sure. But it's there.

Well, bye, until next time.

And even though no one is really there.... Thank you, for being there.

All Aboard the Progress Train!

Hey there! It's been quite a while since I've last written. I really need to get back to blogging regularly. Honestly I miss it. I guess to start, an update is due. So, family stuff has been a bit off. At the moment, for the past 6 months or maybe longer, my dad and I haven't been talking. When I first moved in with my mom, I was trying to maintain a relationship with my dad, but honestly he didn't seem interested in maintaining one with me, and at times could be a bit hurtful when speaking to me. After a while, sinking deeper into my depression, I decided I didn't deserve to be talked down to. I had done nothing wrong, and didn't deserve it. I miss him everyday, but honestly there is still a huge part of me that is furious that I was the only one trying to make it work. 

As for mom, she's seeing someone, and has been for a while, and they make eachother really happy. He's also divorced, with two young girls of his own. They are both extremely sweet, and he is a pretty cool guy. Mom and I have been living with my grandparents since the split, however they haven't been the best at being supportive. She feels like no matter what she does, she just cannot make them happy. Having talked to her mother about something she felt strongly about doing, it was stated that she could do it, but not if she was living here. So, my mom decided to move. Neither of us thought that me going along was an option, as the house isn't huge, however mom's boyfriend agreed with my mom that it would probably be mentally as well as physically healthier for me to be with my mom, so he said it would be fine if I moved in as well. I'm pretty excited. I was a bit nervous at first, but now I just feel relieved that I'm going to get to live with my mom. See, I was considering staying with my grandparents, but if I did that, I would barely ever see my mom or brother. 

Now my plan currently is to spend a year here, in school (more on that in a bit) and then move up north next summer. I'm hoping that will work out. 

As for school, I have just registered for my first semester of college, and boy am I nervous. I pretty much did the admissions process myself, though my mom did help with a few things, and honestly it felt kind of nice being able to do it on my own. I just have to get my adviser, and sign up for a few classes. I think that being back in school may make me a bit happier, as I always did feel at home in the classroom. Learning is one of my favorite things, and honestly, I missed taking notes. (I know I'm kinda weird).



Something else that has changed is back in April I got my first job! I currently have a job in retail, at a prom dress store in the mall. It's not my first choice, but for a first job, I'd say I got a pretty good deal. I made a new friend out of it, and I work with some great people. However, since I'm going to be moving with mom (even though it's only about an hour away), I need to get a new job, as I cannot drive my scooter on the highway, and driving to work without the highway would probably take about 2 hours, depending on traffic. Despite this, I am pretty excited. Nervous, because I know how hard it is to find a job, but excited all the same. I had been looking for other jobs for a while, as when it's not prom season the store is a bit slow, and paychecks have gotten smaller since I first got the job.

Also, I've gotten more motivation to start trying to better myself. I do want to resume my search for a psychologist, and I am considering talking to a psychiatrist about anti-depressants. Also recently, I've learned a few things about myself. Turns out not only do I have depression, I also have anxiety, which of course just feed off each other. Another thing I've learned about myself, that I've been wondering about for a while, is that I'm hypoglycemic, meaning I have low blood sugar. My friends mother is a doctor and said all of my symptoms are a perfect description of someone with hypoglycemia, such as being hungry every 2 or 3 hours, no matter how much food I ate, and the weird fainting spells I've had. For the first time, months ago (around January I think), I had gone outside to plant some new plants we bought, without eating or drinking anything first. When I came back inside the house, my hands started shaking, my heart started racing, I got a cold sweat, and fainted. When I came to, I weakly went to the kitchen and bit into a piece of chocolate, and after about half a minute, I was fine. It did take a few minutes for the sensation to return to my fingertips, but I was okay. I kept trying to think of reasons it could have happened, and concluded it must have been from the heat. However, since then it has happened two more times, and heat wasn't always a factor. Each time it happened, if I ate something or drank something sugary, I was absolutely fine. She described hypoglycemia as this, if I order a large pizza, only half of it shows up. I need to eat more sugar than a normal person would, because I don't absorb all of it, and the sugar I do take in, I burn off quickly. It's not really a horrible thing, but a good result from it is that I can never be diabetic. The reason this makes me so happy is because diabetes runs in my family, and is something I've worried about for a long time. So yay!

Aside from all of that things are pretty much the same. Mista J and I are still wonderful. I miss him dearly though. :( I had spent 9 blissful days with him back in March, and since then the long-distance has been a bit harder. There is just so much I want to do with him, so much that I want to teach him and experience with him. But all in good time I guess. 

Welp, I guess I'll go for now. Hopefully I will stick to this and blog again soon. Bye!

What's Stopping Me?

Hey there. It seems like it's been an eternity since I've written...

I guess things are a bit difficult. I suppose I'm in a rut. You see, there are all these things that I want to do, but I don't know how to start. I'm going to start taking classes soon at the local college, even though I want to go to a University.

I really really want to move. Boston is still calling to me, but honestly, now that the whole family thing has happened, if I moved, I would be completely on my own, and I've never been on my own before... I don't know how to take care of myself, how to pay bills or manage money. I've never even had a job before. I'm trying to get stuff on track, but honestly I have no idea what I'm doing.

Things with family are still kinda weird. My dad and I still aren't really talking, though I'm really trying. I'm planning on spending the weekend with him...I'm pretty nervous about it. I haven't seen my dad in a while. But in all honesty, I miss him a lot. I'm really hoping that it goes well, but I am prepared for it to go horribly... Just in case...

Things with mom are a bit different. She said she wants us to see a psych together, because we obviously have some unresolved issues. She admitted to me for the first time that she failed me as a mother... I had been waiting to hear her say that since she went all MIA as my mom. It made me so damn happy hearing her say that. She also admitted that she knows I'm not ready to be on my own, and most of that is her and dads fault for not teaching me things I need to know. I feel like if I leave now, she and I wont get that chance to mend our relationship, and I really want to. And if I leave now, how am I going to fix the relationship with my dad? Pretty much I feel like I can't leave.

At the same time, Mista J is up north, and I really want to be up there for school. I also feel like if I'm up there, going to school, I can try to have a real relationship for once in my damn life. My dad never let me go on dates, so I've never had a real mature relationship, and I really want one. I want one with Mista J. I want the real thing. I want dinner and a movie, or a quick coffee before class. And I feel like my future is laying open right in front of me, but I cant move forward because I stepped in a puddle of superglue and dried in place.

I guess in short, I'm scared. I feel like I've got a life ahead of me, just waiting for me to arrive, but at the same time, I feel like I'm not done here. I have family and growing that I need to do before I run off on my own.

I don't know what to do....

BOO!!!!

Hey there! I know it's been a while, but I'm back now. First of all, happy Halloween!!!! It is my favorite holiday, and I am so happy it's here again, except I really wish I could be spending Halloween up north. It's not the same here in the heat.

Anyway, things have changed since I last wrote. For starters, I moved in with my mom and grandparents... At the time when it happened, it wasn't my choice, but as time has passed I feel that it was a better choice for me. I miss my dad a lot though. I feel guilty all the time about not seeing him. You see, when I moved out, I got really depressed. I didn't want to talk or see anyone, including my dad, and I just stopped  visiting. As time went on with me not visiting, he and I became more distant, and barely ever talk. And when I do try to talk to him, or he I, it's extremely difficult and awkward. I feel even worse, because I had been planning on seeing him next weekend, but didn't know that I actually already had plans working at the Ren. faire... When I told him I wouldn't be able to go over that weekend, he got weird, and every response to my messages were "yeah." I don't know what to do. I feel horrible....

I guess for a bit of good news now... I passed my GED! Woo! I'm trying to get stuff straightened out. When everything with my parents happened, I sort of got a little...okay, a lot lost. I couldn't really see a future in sight, which scared the crap out of me, as I have always seen a future plan. The plan was to move up north with my family after I graduated, and go to college up north... Now, neither of my parents are moving up north, and I am on my year off before college.... I'm scared though. Now that they aren't going, it means that when I go away to college, I will be on my own. I won't have them there to visit during the weekend, and I won't be there to see my brother growing up. That scares me. I've never really had to be independent before, and the thought of finally having to, freaks me out so much.

My mom still really isn't being a mom to me. I mean, she is there for me a little bit more than she was when she and my dad were together, but in her mind, I'm an adult now, and I don't need her help anymore... In my mind though, she has the past 4 years to make up for. She doesn't see it like I do. My grandmother, however, is trying to teach me independence. She is teaching me how to drive and trying to teach me how to budget money, as well as paying bills, etc. She and I have been getting closer. See, we've never had the closest relationship, but when all of this happened my grandmother stepped up, big time, and started taking care of everyone. She has been there for me in ways that my parents haven't in years. Or at least in ways my mother hasn't. My grandmother is there for me like my dad was. I'm really thankful for that.

Anyway, I have to go now, as I need to pick up my brother from school. I'm going to try to start writing again more often.

Happy Halloween again! Taking my brother trick or treating tonight! He's dressing up like Batman. ^_^

Tonight Will Be The Night That I Will Fall For You

Hey there. So I guess it's time again to update you on what has been going on. The last time I checked in, my best friend Bad-Ass had thrown away our friendship... Well, since then, a lot more has gone on.

To start I will just recap on everything that has been happening. So my mother asked my dad for a divorce, then Bad-Ass dumped me as his friend. Then on valentine's day, I got into a car accident (I am okay). Then three days after the accident, Gamer dumped me, because he didn't want to try anymore. He thought I had been talking to his friend too much, by the way I'll call his friend Mista J. So, that happened, which was extremely unfortunate. It hurt, a shitload. My heart broke again. Then my grades in school kept skipping.

Now I'm with Mista J. He's pretty awesome. He and I have a relationship that is different from any other relationship I've ever been in. He's my first "adult" relationship. He's turning 20 in November, so he's a year older than me, as I will turn 19 in October. He's really cool. Another huge nerd, funny, sweet, loyal, awesome. He's a gamer, and a dork, but I adore it. He treats me well, and he's really different. I've never met someone who was so similar to myself. He is the first person I've ever met who I've felt understands me 100%. He gets me in a way that no one else really does. With him, I feel like I don't have to worry about showing who I really am, because he understands it, and he likes it. He likes who I am, and I love that. ^__^

As for the friend world, I have made a great friend from my ex, Gamer. I will call her Red. She's awesome. She's extremely talented. She has a fantastic singing voice, and she's got great taste, she writes, draws, etc. She's definately someone I would love to hang out with and get to know better. I enjoy talking to her greatly.

As for my parents, my mother moved out and took my little brother with her. She's living with our grandparents now, and I still get to see my little brother every day, but it's really weird not having him here to tuck in at night. I miss him a lot. I have no idea how I will ever be able to go away to college.

Well, that's pretty much the cap on my life right now. I'll try to write more often, but I am extremely stressed out right now. My life is slipping out of control, and I'm just sitting here trying desperately to grasp it before I lose it.

I can do this though. I know I can.
I've got this.

Friendship

So today, I ended my frienship with Bad-Ass. I shouldn't have to fight so hard just to keep a friend.

Time to get up.

And pick up the pieces.

And live.

And get over it.