Hey there! It's been quite a while since I've last written. I really need to get back to blogging regularly. Honestly I miss it. I guess to start, an update is due. So, family stuff has been a bit off. At the moment, for the past 6 months or maybe longer, my dad and I haven't been talking. When I first moved in with my mom, I was trying to maintain a relationship with my dad, but honestly he didn't seem interested in maintaining one with me, and at times could be a bit hurtful when speaking to me. After a while, sinking deeper into my depression, I decided I didn't deserve to be talked down to. I had done nothing wrong, and didn't deserve it. I miss him everyday, but honestly there is still a huge part of me that is furious that I was the only one trying to make it work.
As for mom, she's seeing someone, and has been for a while, and they make eachother really happy. He's also divorced, with two young girls of his own. They are both extremely sweet, and he is a pretty cool guy. Mom and I have been living with my grandparents since the split, however they haven't been the best at being supportive. She feels like no matter what she does, she just cannot make them happy. Having talked to her mother about something she felt strongly about doing, it was stated that she could do it, but not if she was living here. So, my mom decided to move. Neither of us thought that me going along was an option, as the house isn't huge, however mom's boyfriend agreed with my mom that it would probably be mentally as well as physically healthier for me to be with my mom, so he said it would be fine if I moved in as well. I'm pretty excited. I was a bit nervous at first, but now I just feel relieved that I'm going to get to live with my mom. See, I was considering staying with my grandparents, but if I did that, I would barely ever see my mom or brother.
Now my plan currently is to spend a year here, in school (more on that in a bit) and then move up north next summer. I'm hoping that will work out.
As for school, I have just registered for my first semester of college, and boy am I nervous. I pretty much did the admissions process myself, though my mom did help with a few things, and honestly it felt kind of nice being able to do it on my own. I just have to get my adviser, and sign up for a few classes. I think that being back in school may make me a bit happier, as I always did feel at home in the classroom. Learning is one of my favorite things, and honestly, I missed taking notes. (I know I'm kinda weird).
Something else that has changed is back in April I got my first job! I currently have a job in retail, at a prom dress store in the mall. It's not my first choice, but for a first job, I'd say I got a pretty good deal. I made a new friend out of it, and I work with some great people. However, since I'm going to be moving with mom (even though it's only about an hour away), I need to get a new job, as I cannot drive my scooter on the highway, and driving to work without the highway would probably take about 2 hours, depending on traffic. Despite this, I am pretty excited. Nervous, because I know how hard it is to find a job, but excited all the same. I had been looking for other jobs for a while, as when it's not prom season the store is a bit slow, and paychecks have gotten smaller since I first got the job.
Also, I've gotten more motivation to start trying to better myself. I do want to resume my search for a psychologist, and I am considering talking to a psychiatrist about anti-depressants. Also recently, I've learned a few things about myself. Turns out not only do I have depression, I also have anxiety, which of course just feed off each other. Another thing I've learned about myself, that I've been wondering about for a while, is that I'm hypoglycemic, meaning I have low blood sugar. My friends mother is a doctor and said all of my symptoms are a perfect description of someone with hypoglycemia, such as being hungry every 2 or 3 hours, no matter how much food I ate, and the weird fainting spells I've had. For the first time, months ago (around January I think), I had gone outside to plant some new plants we bought, without eating or drinking anything first. When I came back inside the house, my hands started shaking, my heart started racing, I got a cold sweat, and fainted. When I came to, I weakly went to the kitchen and bit into a piece of chocolate, and after about half a minute, I was fine. It did take a few minutes for the sensation to return to my fingertips, but I was okay. I kept trying to think of reasons it could have happened, and concluded it must have been from the heat. However, since then it has happened two more times, and heat wasn't always a factor. Each time it happened, if I ate something or drank something sugary, I was absolutely fine. She described hypoglycemia as this, if I order a large pizza, only half of it shows up. I need to eat more sugar than a normal person would, because I don't absorb all of it, and the sugar I do take in, I burn off quickly. It's not really a horrible thing, but a good result from it is that I can never be diabetic. The reason this makes me so happy is because diabetes runs in my family, and is something I've worried about for a long time. So yay!
Aside from all of that things are pretty much the same. Mista J and I are still wonderful. I miss him dearly though. :( I had spent 9 blissful days with him back in March, and since then the long-distance has been a bit harder. There is just so much I want to do with him, so much that I want to teach him and experience with him. But all in good time I guess.
Welp, I guess I'll go for now. Hopefully I will stick to this and blog again soon. Bye!
Hey there. It seems like it's been an eternity since I've written...
I guess things are a bit difficult. I suppose I'm in a rut. You see, there are all these things that I want to do, but I don't know how to start. I'm going to start taking classes soon at the local college, even though I want to go to a University.
I really really want to move. Boston is still calling to me, but honestly, now that the whole family thing has happened, if I moved, I would be completely on my own, and I've never been on my own before... I don't know how to take care of myself, how to pay bills or manage money. I've never even had a job before. I'm trying to get stuff on track, but honestly I have no idea what I'm doing.
Things with family are still kinda weird. My dad and I still aren't really talking, though I'm really trying. I'm planning on spending the weekend with him...I'm pretty nervous about it. I haven't seen my dad in a while. But in all honesty, I miss him a lot. I'm really hoping that it goes well, but I am prepared for it to go horribly... Just in case...
Things with mom are a bit different. She said she wants us to see a psych together, because we obviously have some unresolved issues. She admitted to me for the first time that she failed me as a mother... I had been waiting to hear her say that since she went all MIA as my mom. It made me so damn happy hearing her say that. She also admitted that she knows I'm not ready to be on my own, and most of that is her and dads fault for not teaching me things I need to know. I feel like if I leave now, she and I wont get that chance to mend our relationship, and I really want to. And if I leave now, how am I going to fix the relationship with my dad? Pretty much I feel like I can't leave.
At the same time, Mista J is up north, and I really want to be up there for school. I also feel like if I'm up there, going to school, I can try to have a real relationship for once in my damn life. My dad never let me go on dates, so I've never had a real mature relationship, and I really want one. I want one with Mista J. I want the real thing. I want dinner and a movie, or a quick coffee before class. And I feel like my future is laying open right in front of me, but I cant move forward because I stepped in a puddle of superglue and dried in place.
I guess in short, I'm scared. I feel like I've got a life ahead of me, just waiting for me to arrive, but at the same time, I feel like I'm not done here. I have family and growing that I need to do before I run off on my own.
I don't know what to do....
Hey there! I know it's been a while, but I'm back now. First of all, happy Halloween!!!! It is my favorite holiday, and I am so happy it's here again, except I really wish I could be spending Halloween up north. It's not the same here in the heat.
Anyway, things have changed since I last wrote. For starters, I moved in with my mom and grandparents... At the time when it happened, it wasn't my choice, but as time has passed I feel that it was a better choice for me. I miss my dad a lot though. I feel guilty all the time about not seeing him. You see, when I moved out, I got really depressed. I didn't want to talk or see anyone, including my dad, and I just stopped visiting. As time went on with me not visiting, he and I became more distant, and barely ever talk. And when I do try to talk to him, or he I, it's extremely difficult and awkward. I feel even worse, because I had been planning on seeing him next weekend, but didn't know that I actually already had plans working at the Ren. faire... When I told him I wouldn't be able to go over that weekend, he got weird, and every response to my messages were "yeah." I don't know what to do. I feel horrible....
I guess for a bit of good news now... I passed my GED! Woo! I'm trying to get stuff straightened out. When everything with my parents happened, I sort of got a little...okay, a lot lost. I couldn't really see a future in sight, which scared the crap out of me, as I have always seen a future plan. The plan was to move up north with my family after I graduated, and go to college up north... Now, neither of my parents are moving up north, and I am on my year off before college.... I'm scared though. Now that they aren't going, it means that when I go away to college, I will be on my own. I won't have them there to visit during the weekend, and I won't be there to see my brother growing up. That scares me. I've never really had to be independent before, and the thought of finally having to, freaks me out so much.
My mom still really isn't being a mom to me. I mean, she is there for me a little bit more than she was when she and my dad were together, but in her mind, I'm an adult now, and I don't need her help anymore... In my mind though, she has the past 4 years to make up for. She doesn't see it like I do. My grandmother, however, is trying to teach me independence. She is teaching me how to drive and trying to teach me how to budget money, as well as paying bills, etc. She and I have been getting closer. See, we've never had the closest relationship, but when all of this happened my grandmother stepped up, big time, and started taking care of everyone. She has been there for me in ways that my parents haven't in years. Or at least in ways my mother hasn't. My grandmother is there for me like my dad was. I'm really thankful for that.
Anyway, I have to go now, as I need to pick up my brother from school. I'm going to try to start writing again more often.
Happy Halloween again! Taking my brother trick or treating tonight! He's dressing up like Batman. ^_^
Hey there. So I guess it's time again to update you on what has been going on. The last time I checked in, my best friend Bad-Ass had thrown away our friendship... Well, since then, a lot more has gone on.
To start I will just recap on everything that has been happening. So my mother asked my dad for a divorce, then Bad-Ass dumped me as his friend. Then on valentine's day, I got into a car accident (I am okay). Then three days after the accident, Gamer dumped me, because he didn't want to try anymore. He thought I had been talking to his friend too much, by the way I'll call his friend Mista J. So, that happened, which was extremely unfortunate. It hurt, a shitload. My heart broke again. Then my grades in school kept skipping.
Now I'm with Mista J. He's pretty awesome. He and I have a relationship that is different from any other relationship I've ever been in. He's my first "adult" relationship. He's turning 20 in November, so he's a year older than me, as I will turn 19 in October. He's really cool. Another huge nerd, funny, sweet, loyal, awesome. He's a gamer, and a dork, but I adore it. He treats me well, and he's really different. I've never met someone who was so similar to myself. He is the first person I've ever met who I've felt understands me 100%. He gets me in a way that no one else really does. With him, I feel like I don't have to worry about showing who I really am, because he understands it, and he likes it. He likes who I am, and I love that. ^__^
As for the friend world, I have made a great friend from my ex, Gamer. I will call her Red. She's awesome. She's extremely talented. She has a fantastic singing voice, and she's got great taste, she writes, draws, etc. She's definately someone I would love to hang out with and get to know better. I enjoy talking to her greatly.
As for my parents, my mother moved out and took my little brother with her. She's living with our grandparents now, and I still get to see my little brother every day, but it's really weird not having him here to tuck in at night. I miss him a lot. I have no idea how I will ever be able to go away to college.
Well, that's pretty much the cap on my life right now. I'll try to write more often, but I am extremely stressed out right now. My life is slipping out of control, and I'm just sitting here trying desperately to grasp it before I lose it.
I can do this though. I know I can.
I've got this.
So today, I ended my frienship with Bad-Ass. I shouldn't have to fight so hard just to keep a friend.
Time to get up.
And pick up the pieces.
And live.
And get over it.
Betrayal
You know, friendship is a funny thing in my life. First Bestie decides she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. For those of you who know, when Bad-Ass and I broke up, we became best friends and he has been my best friend for a while. Well, recently I got into a relationship and was honestly avoiding BA because I didn't want to upset him. Well, there was this girl at his school who he had wanted to talk to for a while, because he was lonely. So I convinced him to go give her his number. And he did. And he hasn't really talked to me. He did it yesterday, and she started texting him. He talked to her for 8 hours straight and not once did he answer any of my calls, texts, or IM's. He called me on skype for about 15 minutes and said he would come skype me again after dinner. Guess what? Didn't happen. I waited up for him until 1am, and then decided to call him again. "Oh sorry, I've been video chatting with this girl. I'm busy. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
WOW! THANKS BEST FRIEND!!!! Needless to say, we fought. I broke down into tears because I was so sickened that he had chosen this girl over me, someone who had kept his secrets, and helped him. Someone who had been through so much with him, and he just shoved me to the side for someone else. Last night he told me he would talk to me today, and said sorry so much he sounded like a broken record. Well, i said fine. This morning, "I can't talk to you right now, I"m sorry, but I'm meeting up with her before school starts and can't text you."
Thank you so much BA, for showing that our friendship really does matter to us. Love you too, Asshole.
Hello there. So, I came onto here today to look at my stats and everything, and realized that I haven't blogged since July, which was a while ago. So, things are still happening differently, of course. How could they not? Today has been a chilly rainy day, and considering where I live, I am extremely thankful for the lack of heat today. It has been raining on and off since there is a hurricane brewing, Hurricane Sandy. Everyone is enraged because most likely we will have school tomorrow, even though everyone else is closing. Being a senior, and being that all of my sick days for this semester have been used up, I cannot miss school tomorrow, which sucks, but oh well.
So, school is going well. I am extremely stressed out though,and I don't even have the stress of having to apply to college this fall. I am applying next fall, so I am taking my year off, to relax before I head off to college to get my Ph.D.
I have been trying to write lately, but for some reason I am having trouble getting anything out. I am blocked, and I can't seem to break it, and I've been stuck with this writers block since my writing class at Brown ended. I need some inspiration.
In other news, Oct. 5th was my b-day, and I am now legally an adult. I get to vote this year, though I really don't want to all that much. Things aren't really different, though every time I think about my age, I do feel a little bit different.
Currently, I am freezing. My school always decides to turn on the AC on the days where it is raining outside, and on the days when it's hot out, they tend to shut off the AC, though why I have no idea. But it sucks. I am wishing they were, not even running the heat, but just would shut off the AC. By the way, I know that last sentence was gramatically incorrect, but I really don't feel like fixing it right now. As for the love life, it is pretty much the same. Not completely though. Things are a bit different. So as you all know, if I did actually blog about it before, Gamer is back in my life. He and I are talking a lot more than before. He's a bit different. He still gets mad, but not as often, and we stop ourselves before we argue a lot more. He's more understanding and even though he is still super busy, he tries to make time for me. It's really nice. He informed me, though the word informed sounds wrong, that he still has feelings for me, and would like to try again in the future. I do still have feelings for him, but right now any time the future comes up, we both decide to not talk about it, and take life one day at a time. I am enjoying this a lot more. It's nice, for once, to not think nonstop about the future. He and I are not dating, we are just friends for now. It may not always be like that, but for now it is. And like I mentioned, we do still argue, but we are working on controlling our instinctual reactions.
Well, I am going to go. I am freezing right now, and my battery is low. I will try to blog more though, as I really do miss it. Maybe writing about myself will help me break this writers block I am stuck in, and I can throw a story or two out there. *crosses my fingers* I hope so.
Bye for now!
