Rain, Rain, Stay All Day

Hello there. So, I came onto here today to look at my stats and everything, and realized that I haven't blogged since July, which was a while ago. So, things are still happening differently, of course. How could they not? Today has been a chilly rainy day, and considering where I live, I am extremely thankful for the lack of heat today. It has been raining on and off since there is a hurricane brewing, Hurricane Sandy. Everyone is enraged because most likely we will have school tomorrow, even though everyone else is closing. Being a senior, and being that all of my sick days for this semester have been used up, I cannot miss school tomorrow, which sucks, but oh well.

So, school is going well. I am extremely stressed out though,and I don't even have the stress of having to apply to college this fall. I am applying next fall, so I am taking my year off, to relax before I head off to college to get my Ph.D. 

I have been trying to write lately, but for some reason I am having trouble getting anything out. I am blocked, and I can't seem to break it, and I've been stuck with this writers block since my writing class at Brown ended. I need some inspiration.

In other news, Oct. 5th was my b-day, and I am now legally an adult. I get to vote this year, though I really don't want to all that much. Things aren't really different, though every time I think about my age, I do feel a little bit different.

Currently, I am freezing. My school always decides to turn on the AC on the days where it is raining outside, and on the days when it's hot out, they tend to shut off the AC, though why I have no idea. But it sucks. I am wishing they were, not even running the heat, but just would shut off the AC. By the way, I know that last sentence was gramatically incorrect, but I really don't feel like fixing it right now. As for the love life, it is pretty much the same. Not completely though. Things are a bit different. So as you all know, if I did actually blog about it before, Gamer is back in my life. He and I are talking a lot more than before. He's a bit different. He still gets mad, but not as often, and we stop ourselves before we argue a lot more. He's more understanding and even though he is still super busy, he tries to make time for me. It's really nice. He informed me, though the word informed sounds wrong, that he still has feelings for me, and would like to try again in the future. I do still have feelings for him, but right now any time the future comes up, we both decide to not talk about it, and take life one day at a time. I am enjoying this a lot more. It's nice, for once, to not think nonstop about the future. He and I are not dating, we are just friends for now. It may not always be like that, but for now it is. And like I mentioned, we do still argue, but we are working on controlling our instinctual reactions.

Well, I am going to go. I am freezing right now, and my battery is low. I will try to blog more though, as I really do miss it. Maybe writing about myself will help me break this writers block I am stuck in, and I can throw a story or two out there. *crosses my fingers* I hope so.

Bye for now!

I'm just....

 Really tired.....

Why Can't Everything Just Fucking Be Good?!?!

So, as usual, nothing is going right. I should be really happy right now. I am at an amazing school, taking college credit courses. I should be happy. But of course, my happiness can never last because my FUCKING BRAIN HATES ME! I want to tear my fucking skin off, I'm so angry right now. I miss my family, for starters. I havn't seen them in 3 weeks, which for most people, that's nothing. But for me, who is always with them, it's been an eternity. I still have 4 weeks before I get to see them again. I miss them so much, it hurts. I miiss my brother, and my mom and my dad. Another thing, I found out just yesterday, that my mom has been going to the Emergency Room, because she is sick and the doctors don't know what is wrong with her. That alone is bad enough.

Next, Badass and I broke up, again. I now have a new boyfriend. A boyfriend who has been my boyfriend before. He was my first boyfriend. I will call him Fae, which you will only understand from how we first met. Fae and I first met when we were 6 years old. At my 7th birthday party, he became my first boyfriend. When I turned 8, I moved. We wrote to eachother for about a year, and then I stopped recieving his letters. According to him, they were all getting returned to him, and he never got my letters. Well, we are together again. After 10 years, we are back together, and it's like nothing I've ever experienced. He actually cares about my education. None of my past boyfriends could have cared less if I failed school, or didn't make it Ivy. Well, Fae does. He puts my schoolwork first, which is amazing. He supports me and encourages me. It's such a good feeling, knowing he will put my schooling before us. He's great. However, of course, there is a flaw. It seems that he doesn't have time for me. He goes to work at about 11pm and doesnt get home until around 7am, his time, because there is an hour time difference. Well, he comes home, sleeps most of the day, then goes and hangs out with his friends. Which means that I barely get to talk to him, and when I do, it's only for about 15 minutes or less, because then he has to go get ready for work. There have been times when days will go by and I don't hear from him at all. It's not working for me. So that is a huge problem.

The next issue would have to do with college. I have to start applying soon. Well, things with my gpa havn't been the easiest for me. To put things straightforward and simple, he doesn't think that my application would be good enough for the ivy's. He doesn't think my community service hours are good enough because my community service didn't change the world. He is trying to get help for me, by hiring a college counselor to help me strengthen my application. What he doesn't get, is that I know what that he's trying to help, but I don't want that. I can't help but start to shut down when he brings it up, because.... School has always been the ONLY area in my life where I have always been confident. And he ruined that confidence by saying it's not good enough. My grades aren't good enough. My schooling isn't good enough. I have been an honor roll student my ENTIRE LIFE so far, I have 189 community service hours, which were spent at the hospital, and it's not good enough. Apparently, to get into an Ivy, I need to change the world first. Well, it's not going to happen. Most Ivy league teachers didn't go to ivy's. They went to regular college. Well, if going to an Ivy means that i need to make myself unhappy, I don't want to. I am not going to make myself feel like shit, just so I can go to a college with a good reputation. Fuck that. My happiness is more important than a colleges name on my resume. He even suggested I take a year off before applying so I have time to strengthen that application. I've actually wanted to do that for a while, but not for those reasons, but having him suggest it, was insulting to me. It was like, I'm so horrible that I need an entire year to make it all better and wrap it all up in a little bow. I'm fucking trying! It's so hard though. Especially when I have all this pressure on me. Everyone expects greatness from me. They expect me to go Ivy and become super successful. No wonder I don't want to be an adult yet. I don't want to! I want to just be a stupid irresponsible teenager for once in my fucking life. And I've never been that. It's always been school this, school that. Don't break any fucking rules. Don't do anything stupid. Be responsible and smart 24 fucking 7. Well I am sick of it. I want to take a year off, but not to make my application better. I want to get a job, so I can start to build a resume, so that after college I can actually get a job. Imagine that. But I also want to have some fun too. I want to go Ivy. I want the best education I can get, but I don't want everyone cramming it down my throat. I want it to be a good experience, not something I end up resenting because trying to get in made me feel like a worthless piece of shit.....
Well, that's that. I am going to go now, because I feel like my head is going to explode. Thanks for letting me vent...

How I feel right now...

Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day everyone. Thank you to the men and women who have risked their lives protecting us.
Check out my youtube tribute video I made for Memorial Day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdO-RbjlfU8

RIP all of those POW/MIA's.

Bringing Out My Inner Stephen King...

Well, I'm back. Havn't blogged in a while. So, lately I have been really busy with school as well as with SAT and all that stuff. Despite how busy I have been, I'm still not stressed out at all, which makes me feel wonderful. I love not feeling stressed. And I'm still feeling really happy lately. I must say, this happy outlook is really making life much more fun. So also, due to my busy schedule, I havn't been doing any creative writing lately. Makes me sad.  I miss writing. Thankfully though, I applied to Brown to take two classes over the summer. I signed up for a WWII history class and a creative writing class. I can't wait. I miss writing so much. I love being a part of writing classes, because I always come up with better work when I have a deadline. The word deadline, when it comes to writing, unleashes all my creative juices, and I love it. So, I am looking for writing prompts. I need to start writing. I can feel it in me. I need to write. I just need some ideas of what to write about. Maybe I'll sign up for an online writing course soon. Not sure, but I really need to write. As Stephen King said, a true writer will write something every day, even if they have nothing to write. So write I must!

Since I Am Dead, I Can Take Off My Head, and Recite Shakespearian Quotations...

So, school is almost over! Only 25 more days and then I am out for the summer. Yipeeeee!!!!!!!!!! Today is my Holocaust studies teacher's birthday, so last night I made 48 red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. I am going to give him 24 cupcakes, and then I brought a dozen cupcakes for my english class to eat, because I am a nice person, and as much as I LOVE cupcakes, I really don't need them. :p
So Jack Skellington's birthday is coming up soon. Now of course, I expect you all to know, from my last blog, that when I say Jack Skellinton, I don't meen the movie character, I am using the name for someone in my life. Just clarifying. His birthday is in July. I really want to go to his birthday, for I havn't seen him in 6 years, and he is extremely important to me, but I don't know if it would work out. How to get there and back, considering I don't yet drive. Could pose a problem. I don't know. Hopefully something will work out. And if I can't make it, I am supposed to meet up with him mom and little sister for coffee sometime this summer, when I am up north, so I can just give his gifts to them. I have two portraits that I've drawn of him, and a HUGE tim burton collage that I am making him. It's fun. I love collaging. Well, I am going to go. Class is going to start soon, and I need to go guard the cupcakes and make sure no one eats them.:p

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Things Are Going To Get Better. I Can Feel It.

Something has changed in me. It's as if I've woken up from a three year long fog. This calm was come over me, and I feel good. I don't know what happened. I just know that it's good. I'm seeing everything differently. I look around my class and seeing everyone, i no longer feel disgusted, but happy. I like the people in my class. And when I graduate, I will miss them a bit. Everything just seems better. I'm excited. All this crap from before, Gamer, Bestie, none of it matters anymore. So what? I'm over Gamer. I'm over caring about this Bestie thing. I'm fine with it. I'm moving on and it feels great. The year is almost over. In October, I will turn 18 and I'll be starting my senior year. I feel excited. I'm looking at the world from a new perspective. I'm changing. I'm so excited about everything. Life is good and it's going to get better. I can feel it! I'm really happy. But not like a mania. A calm, relaxed happiness. Everything is okay. I'm over all of it. This stuff I've been upset about and stressing about means nothing. I have so  much happiness that I want to burst. Being stuck in schools seems like a waste because there is so much I can be doing right now. I'm happy. I'm changing things. I have a new friend. She is SK's(Shiny Knight) gf. I'll call her Vivacious. She is really awesome. At first I thought I would hate her, because she's my ex's new gf, but I really like her. She is easy going, and has a similarish personality to me. It's nice having someone to talk to. A nice fresh start. I'm very thankful. I have to go. Class just started. Hasta luego!!!!! :D