Hey there. 

Just a quick update.

My Moxie girl (my pet rat) isn't doing so well. Decided to make her a gofundmepage. She's got an infection and I cannot afford her antibiotics. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

http://www.gofundme.com/mfr9rcfg

Perseverance

Hey there. Back again. I keep looking back on old posts and seeing that each one says I want to start writing more, yet I don't. I really do want to change that. I miss blogging.

Anywho, an update is in order, I suppose.

Things with family are still iffy. My dad and I haven't seen each other in over a year. It's not fun. I was trying really hard before, but decided it wasn't worth the pain, as I was getting nowhere, so I backed off. Recently he's started sending me little messages here and there, and while each time I see an email from him, it fills me with sadness, I'm not sure what to do. I miss him so much, yet I'm so unsure. Part of me thinks that if I did just run back to him, things wouldn't change. They would just be the same, and I'm not ok with that. When it comes to mom, stuff hasn't really changed either. She's there, but not really. We haven't done any counseling or anything, like I wanted. I guess I kind of gave up on that too. Things haven't really been great in that area though. A lot of bad stuff is happening with him and my little brother, but there isn't really anything we can do about it. I'd say more, but I really don't want to. :/


Anywho, my goal is still to get outta here. I want to be back in Boston, as I have always wanted to be. I have decided on which college I'd like to go to. I decided that based on what I would like to go to school for, and the kind of experience I would like, that Northeastern University would be the best school for me. So *crosses fingers*, let's hope it works out.

Things are ok, I guess. I've been working at my moms company, in a temp position, and I really like it here. It's my first full-time job, and I love getting bigger paychecks, plus it's an office job, which is work that I'm better at. Retail and I just do not mesh well. However, tomorrow is my last day there, and then I'm back on the hunt for a new job.

In other news, Mista J and I broke up, on Halloween, actually. Neither one of us was really happy anymore, so I ended it. I didn't want to, and it hurt like hell, but I knew I had to do what was best for the both of us.

Currently, I have a new guy. I'm going to call him......Atomic. I will call him that because he wants to be in the service, and plans on it, and wants to work doing all that chemical warfare stuff. He's really smart, a new Englander, and pretty humble. He's one of those people who thinks before he speaks, which is something I highly admire. He's kind of shy, like me, but not as bad as me. He's extremely different than anyone I've ever been with. I like it though. It's a good kind of different. He's not scared of hurting my feelings. He'll be honest with me, even if it hurts, and I appreciate that, as I am the same way. I'm pretty happy to have him in my life, and feel pretty lucky. I feel like he's the kind of guy who would actually help me grow, someone who would push me to be the best I can be. I need someone like that. He really is great though. I'm a lucky girl.

I'm really missing being up north. I wish I could be up there playing in the snow. I honestly got pretty jealous when the big snow storm hit. My friends kept sending me pictures of all the snow, and it made me want to be there so badly. One day, I'll be able to go play in it again. 

My depression has been acting up a lot lately. The past week I've broken down almost every night. The first night it happened, I had felt it building all day while I was at work. The minute I got home and jumped in the shower, I fell apart. I broke down 4 times that night. It was horrendous. I'm not sure why it's so strong right now, but I've realized that it really doesn't have a pattern anymore, not like it used to. And I can't feel it coming as much, so I don't get as much of a warning. My anxiety has been pretty bad too. Almost everything makes me shake and start to hyperventilate.

Maybe I'm just scared....

Not sure what there is to be scared of though...
Life?
Failure?
Not sure. But it's there.

Well, bye, until next time.

And even though no one is really there.... Thank you, for being there.

All Aboard the Progress Train!

Hey there! It's been quite a while since I've last written. I really need to get back to blogging regularly. Honestly I miss it. I guess to start, an update is due. So, family stuff has been a bit off. At the moment, for the past 6 months or maybe longer, my dad and I haven't been talking. When I first moved in with my mom, I was trying to maintain a relationship with my dad, but honestly he didn't seem interested in maintaining one with me, and at times could be a bit hurtful when speaking to me. After a while, sinking deeper into my depression, I decided I didn't deserve to be talked down to. I had done nothing wrong, and didn't deserve it. I miss him everyday, but honestly there is still a huge part of me that is furious that I was the only one trying to make it work. 

As for mom, she's seeing someone, and has been for a while, and they make eachother really happy. He's also divorced, with two young girls of his own. They are both extremely sweet, and he is a pretty cool guy. Mom and I have been living with my grandparents since the split, however they haven't been the best at being supportive. She feels like no matter what she does, she just cannot make them happy. Having talked to her mother about something she felt strongly about doing, it was stated that she could do it, but not if she was living here. So, my mom decided to move. Neither of us thought that me going along was an option, as the house isn't huge, however mom's boyfriend agreed with my mom that it would probably be mentally as well as physically healthier for me to be with my mom, so he said it would be fine if I moved in as well. I'm pretty excited. I was a bit nervous at first, but now I just feel relieved that I'm going to get to live with my mom. See, I was considering staying with my grandparents, but if I did that, I would barely ever see my mom or brother. 

Now my plan currently is to spend a year here, in school (more on that in a bit) and then move up north next summer. I'm hoping that will work out. 

As for school, I have just registered for my first semester of college, and boy am I nervous. I pretty much did the admissions process myself, though my mom did help with a few things, and honestly it felt kind of nice being able to do it on my own. I just have to get my adviser, and sign up for a few classes. I think that being back in school may make me a bit happier, as I always did feel at home in the classroom. Learning is one of my favorite things, and honestly, I missed taking notes. (I know I'm kinda weird).



Something else that has changed is back in April I got my first job! I currently have a job in retail, at a prom dress store in the mall. It's not my first choice, but for a first job, I'd say I got a pretty good deal. I made a new friend out of it, and I work with some great people. However, since I'm going to be moving with mom (even though it's only about an hour away), I need to get a new job, as I cannot drive my scooter on the highway, and driving to work without the highway would probably take about 2 hours, depending on traffic. Despite this, I am pretty excited. Nervous, because I know how hard it is to find a job, but excited all the same. I had been looking for other jobs for a while, as when it's not prom season the store is a bit slow, and paychecks have gotten smaller since I first got the job.

Also, I've gotten more motivation to start trying to better myself. I do want to resume my search for a psychologist, and I am considering talking to a psychiatrist about anti-depressants. Also recently, I've learned a few things about myself. Turns out not only do I have depression, I also have anxiety, which of course just feed off each other. Another thing I've learned about myself, that I've been wondering about for a while, is that I'm hypoglycemic, meaning I have low blood sugar. My friends mother is a doctor and said all of my symptoms are a perfect description of someone with hypoglycemia, such as being hungry every 2 or 3 hours, no matter how much food I ate, and the weird fainting spells I've had. For the first time, months ago (around January I think), I had gone outside to plant some new plants we bought, without eating or drinking anything first. When I came back inside the house, my hands started shaking, my heart started racing, I got a cold sweat, and fainted. When I came to, I weakly went to the kitchen and bit into a piece of chocolate, and after about half a minute, I was fine. It did take a few minutes for the sensation to return to my fingertips, but I was okay. I kept trying to think of reasons it could have happened, and concluded it must have been from the heat. However, since then it has happened two more times, and heat wasn't always a factor. Each time it happened, if I ate something or drank something sugary, I was absolutely fine. She described hypoglycemia as this, if I order a large pizza, only half of it shows up. I need to eat more sugar than a normal person would, because I don't absorb all of it, and the sugar I do take in, I burn off quickly. It's not really a horrible thing, but a good result from it is that I can never be diabetic. The reason this makes me so happy is because diabetes runs in my family, and is something I've worried about for a long time. So yay!

Aside from all of that things are pretty much the same. Mista J and I are still wonderful. I miss him dearly though. :( I had spent 9 blissful days with him back in March, and since then the long-distance has been a bit harder. There is just so much I want to do with him, so much that I want to teach him and experience with him. But all in good time I guess. 

Welp, I guess I'll go for now. Hopefully I will stick to this and blog again soon. Bye!

What's Stopping Me?

Hey there. It seems like it's been an eternity since I've written...

I guess things are a bit difficult. I suppose I'm in a rut. You see, there are all these things that I want to do, but I don't know how to start. I'm going to start taking classes soon at the local college, even though I want to go to a University.

I really really want to move. Boston is still calling to me, but honestly, now that the whole family thing has happened, if I moved, I would be completely on my own, and I've never been on my own before... I don't know how to take care of myself, how to pay bills or manage money. I've never even had a job before. I'm trying to get stuff on track, but honestly I have no idea what I'm doing.

Things with family are still kinda weird. My dad and I still aren't really talking, though I'm really trying. I'm planning on spending the weekend with him...I'm pretty nervous about it. I haven't seen my dad in a while. But in all honesty, I miss him a lot. I'm really hoping that it goes well, but I am prepared for it to go horribly... Just in case...

Things with mom are a bit different. She said she wants us to see a psych together, because we obviously have some unresolved issues. She admitted to me for the first time that she failed me as a mother... I had been waiting to hear her say that since she went all MIA as my mom. It made me so damn happy hearing her say that. She also admitted that she knows I'm not ready to be on my own, and most of that is her and dads fault for not teaching me things I need to know. I feel like if I leave now, she and I wont get that chance to mend our relationship, and I really want to. And if I leave now, how am I going to fix the relationship with my dad? Pretty much I feel like I can't leave.

At the same time, Mista J is up north, and I really want to be up there for school. I also feel like if I'm up there, going to school, I can try to have a real relationship for once in my damn life. My dad never let me go on dates, so I've never had a real mature relationship, and I really want one. I want one with Mista J. I want the real thing. I want dinner and a movie, or a quick coffee before class. And I feel like my future is laying open right in front of me, but I cant move forward because I stepped in a puddle of superglue and dried in place.

I guess in short, I'm scared. I feel like I've got a life ahead of me, just waiting for me to arrive, but at the same time, I feel like I'm not done here. I have family and growing that I need to do before I run off on my own.

I don't know what to do....

BOO!!!!

Hey there! I know it's been a while, but I'm back now. First of all, happy Halloween!!!! It is my favorite holiday, and I am so happy it's here again, except I really wish I could be spending Halloween up north. It's not the same here in the heat.

Anyway, things have changed since I last wrote. For starters, I moved in with my mom and grandparents... At the time when it happened, it wasn't my choice, but as time has passed I feel that it was a better choice for me. I miss my dad a lot though. I feel guilty all the time about not seeing him. You see, when I moved out, I got really depressed. I didn't want to talk or see anyone, including my dad, and I just stopped  visiting. As time went on with me not visiting, he and I became more distant, and barely ever talk. And when I do try to talk to him, or he I, it's extremely difficult and awkward. I feel even worse, because I had been planning on seeing him next weekend, but didn't know that I actually already had plans working at the Ren. faire... When I told him I wouldn't be able to go over that weekend, he got weird, and every response to my messages were "yeah." I don't know what to do. I feel horrible....

I guess for a bit of good news now... I passed my GED! Woo! I'm trying to get stuff straightened out. When everything with my parents happened, I sort of got a little...okay, a lot lost. I couldn't really see a future in sight, which scared the crap out of me, as I have always seen a future plan. The plan was to move up north with my family after I graduated, and go to college up north... Now, neither of my parents are moving up north, and I am on my year off before college.... I'm scared though. Now that they aren't going, it means that when I go away to college, I will be on my own. I won't have them there to visit during the weekend, and I won't be there to see my brother growing up. That scares me. I've never really had to be independent before, and the thought of finally having to, freaks me out so much.

My mom still really isn't being a mom to me. I mean, she is there for me a little bit more than she was when she and my dad were together, but in her mind, I'm an adult now, and I don't need her help anymore... In my mind though, she has the past 4 years to make up for. She doesn't see it like I do. My grandmother, however, is trying to teach me independence. She is teaching me how to drive and trying to teach me how to budget money, as well as paying bills, etc. She and I have been getting closer. See, we've never had the closest relationship, but when all of this happened my grandmother stepped up, big time, and started taking care of everyone. She has been there for me in ways that my parents haven't in years. Or at least in ways my mother hasn't. My grandmother is there for me like my dad was. I'm really thankful for that.

Anyway, I have to go now, as I need to pick up my brother from school. I'm going to try to start writing again more often.

Happy Halloween again! Taking my brother trick or treating tonight! He's dressing up like Batman. ^_^

Tonight Will Be The Night That I Will Fall For You

Hey there. So I guess it's time again to update you on what has been going on. The last time I checked in, my best friend Bad-Ass had thrown away our friendship... Well, since then, a lot more has gone on.

To start I will just recap on everything that has been happening. So my mother asked my dad for a divorce, then Bad-Ass dumped me as his friend. Then on valentine's day, I got into a car accident (I am okay). Then three days after the accident, Gamer dumped me, because he didn't want to try anymore. He thought I had been talking to his friend too much, by the way I'll call his friend Mista J. So, that happened, which was extremely unfortunate. It hurt, a shitload. My heart broke again. Then my grades in school kept skipping.

Now I'm with Mista J. He's pretty awesome. He and I have a relationship that is different from any other relationship I've ever been in. He's my first "adult" relationship. He's turning 20 in November, so he's a year older than me, as I will turn 19 in October. He's really cool. Another huge nerd, funny, sweet, loyal, awesome. He's a gamer, and a dork, but I adore it. He treats me well, and he's really different. I've never met someone who was so similar to myself. He is the first person I've ever met who I've felt understands me 100%. He gets me in a way that no one else really does. With him, I feel like I don't have to worry about showing who I really am, because he understands it, and he likes it. He likes who I am, and I love that. ^__^

As for the friend world, I have made a great friend from my ex, Gamer. I will call her Red. She's awesome. She's extremely talented. She has a fantastic singing voice, and she's got great taste, she writes, draws, etc. She's definately someone I would love to hang out with and get to know better. I enjoy talking to her greatly.

As for my parents, my mother moved out and took my little brother with her. She's living with our grandparents now, and I still get to see my little brother every day, but it's really weird not having him here to tuck in at night. I miss him a lot. I have no idea how I will ever be able to go away to college.

Well, that's pretty much the cap on my life right now. I'll try to write more often, but I am extremely stressed out right now. My life is slipping out of control, and I'm just sitting here trying desperately to grasp it before I lose it.

I can do this though. I know I can.
I've got this.

Friendship

So today, I ended my frienship with Bad-Ass. I shouldn't have to fight so hard just to keep a friend.

Time to get up.

And pick up the pieces.

And live.

And get over it.

Betrayal

Betrayal

 

You know, friendship is a funny thing in my life. First Bestie decides she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. For those of you who know, when Bad-Ass and I broke up, we became best friends and he has been my best friend for a while. Well, recently I got into a relationship and was honestly avoiding BA because I didn't want to upset him. Well, there was this girl at his school who he had wanted to talk to for a while, because he was lonely. So I convinced him to go give her his number. And he did. And he hasn't really talked to me. He did it yesterday, and she started texting him. He talked to her for 8 hours straight and not once did he answer any of my calls, texts, or IM's. He called me on skype for about 15 minutes and said he would come skype me again after dinner. Guess what? Didn't happen. I waited up for him until 1am, and then decided to call him again. "Oh sorry, I've been video chatting with this girl. I'm busy. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

WOW! THANKS BEST FRIEND!!!! Needless to say, we fought. I broke down into tears because I was so sickened that he had chosen this girl over me, someone who had kept his secrets, and helped him. Someone who had been through so much with him, and he just shoved me to the side for someone else. Last night he told me he would talk to me today, and said sorry so much he sounded like a broken record. Well, i said fine. This morning, "I can't talk to you right now, I"m sorry, but I'm meeting up with her before school starts and can't text you."

Thank you so much BA, for showing that our friendship really does matter to us. Love you too, Asshole.

Rain, Rain, Stay All Day

Hello there. So, I came onto here today to look at my stats and everything, and realized that I haven't blogged since July, which was a while ago. So, things are still happening differently, of course. How could they not? Today has been a chilly rainy day, and considering where I live, I am extremely thankful for the lack of heat today. It has been raining on and off since there is a hurricane brewing, Hurricane Sandy. Everyone is enraged because most likely we will have school tomorrow, even though everyone else is closing. Being a senior, and being that all of my sick days for this semester have been used up, I cannot miss school tomorrow, which sucks, but oh well.

So, school is going well. I am extremely stressed out though,and I don't even have the stress of having to apply to college this fall. I am applying next fall, so I am taking my year off, to relax before I head off to college to get my Ph.D. 

I have been trying to write lately, but for some reason I am having trouble getting anything out. I am blocked, and I can't seem to break it, and I've been stuck with this writers block since my writing class at Brown ended. I need some inspiration.

In other news, Oct. 5th was my b-day, and I am now legally an adult. I get to vote this year, though I really don't want to all that much. Things aren't really different, though every time I think about my age, I do feel a little bit different.

Currently, I am freezing. My school always decides to turn on the AC on the days where it is raining outside, and on the days when it's hot out, they tend to shut off the AC, though why I have no idea. But it sucks. I am wishing they were, not even running the heat, but just would shut off the AC. By the way, I know that last sentence was gramatically incorrect, but I really don't feel like fixing it right now. As for the love life, it is pretty much the same. Not completely though. Things are a bit different. So as you all know, if I did actually blog about it before, Gamer is back in my life. He and I are talking a lot more than before. He's a bit different. He still gets mad, but not as often, and we stop ourselves before we argue a lot more. He's more understanding and even though he is still super busy, he tries to make time for me. It's really nice. He informed me, though the word informed sounds wrong, that he still has feelings for me, and would like to try again in the future. I do still have feelings for him, but right now any time the future comes up, we both decide to not talk about it, and take life one day at a time. I am enjoying this a lot more. It's nice, for once, to not think nonstop about the future. He and I are not dating, we are just friends for now. It may not always be like that, but for now it is. And like I mentioned, we do still argue, but we are working on controlling our instinctual reactions.

Well, I am going to go. I am freezing right now, and my battery is low. I will try to blog more though, as I really do miss it. Maybe writing about myself will help me break this writers block I am stuck in, and I can throw a story or two out there. *crosses my fingers* I hope so.

Bye for now!

I'm just....

 Really tired.....

Why Can't Everything Just Fucking Be Good?!?!

So, as usual, nothing is going right. I should be really happy right now. I am at an amazing school, taking college credit courses. I should be happy. But of course, my happiness can never last because my FUCKING BRAIN HATES ME! I want to tear my fucking skin off, I'm so angry right now. I miss my family, for starters. I havn't seen them in 3 weeks, which for most people, that's nothing. But for me, who is always with them, it's been an eternity. I still have 4 weeks before I get to see them again. I miss them so much, it hurts. I miiss my brother, and my mom and my dad. Another thing, I found out just yesterday, that my mom has been going to the Emergency Room, because she is sick and the doctors don't know what is wrong with her. That alone is bad enough.

Next, Badass and I broke up, again. I now have a new boyfriend. A boyfriend who has been my boyfriend before. He was my first boyfriend. I will call him Fae, which you will only understand from how we first met. Fae and I first met when we were 6 years old. At my 7th birthday party, he became my first boyfriend. When I turned 8, I moved. We wrote to eachother for about a year, and then I stopped recieving his letters. According to him, they were all getting returned to him, and he never got my letters. Well, we are together again. After 10 years, we are back together, and it's like nothing I've ever experienced. He actually cares about my education. None of my past boyfriends could have cared less if I failed school, or didn't make it Ivy. Well, Fae does. He puts my schoolwork first, which is amazing. He supports me and encourages me. It's such a good feeling, knowing he will put my schooling before us. He's great. However, of course, there is a flaw. It seems that he doesn't have time for me. He goes to work at about 11pm and doesnt get home until around 7am, his time, because there is an hour time difference. Well, he comes home, sleeps most of the day, then goes and hangs out with his friends. Which means that I barely get to talk to him, and when I do, it's only for about 15 minutes or less, because then he has to go get ready for work. There have been times when days will go by and I don't hear from him at all. It's not working for me. So that is a huge problem.

The next issue would have to do with college. I have to start applying soon. Well, things with my gpa havn't been the easiest for me. To put things straightforward and simple, he doesn't think that my application would be good enough for the ivy's. He doesn't think my community service hours are good enough because my community service didn't change the world. He is trying to get help for me, by hiring a college counselor to help me strengthen my application. What he doesn't get, is that I know what that he's trying to help, but I don't want that. I can't help but start to shut down when he brings it up, because.... School has always been the ONLY area in my life where I have always been confident. And he ruined that confidence by saying it's not good enough. My grades aren't good enough. My schooling isn't good enough. I have been an honor roll student my ENTIRE LIFE so far, I have 189 community service hours, which were spent at the hospital, and it's not good enough. Apparently, to get into an Ivy, I need to change the world first. Well, it's not going to happen. Most Ivy league teachers didn't go to ivy's. They went to regular college. Well, if going to an Ivy means that i need to make myself unhappy, I don't want to. I am not going to make myself feel like shit, just so I can go to a college with a good reputation. Fuck that. My happiness is more important than a colleges name on my resume. He even suggested I take a year off before applying so I have time to strengthen that application. I've actually wanted to do that for a while, but not for those reasons, but having him suggest it, was insulting to me. It was like, I'm so horrible that I need an entire year to make it all better and wrap it all up in a little bow. I'm fucking trying! It's so hard though. Especially when I have all this pressure on me. Everyone expects greatness from me. They expect me to go Ivy and become super successful. No wonder I don't want to be an adult yet. I don't want to! I want to just be a stupid irresponsible teenager for once in my fucking life. And I've never been that. It's always been school this, school that. Don't break any fucking rules. Don't do anything stupid. Be responsible and smart 24 fucking 7. Well I am sick of it. I want to take a year off, but not to make my application better. I want to get a job, so I can start to build a resume, so that after college I can actually get a job. Imagine that. But I also want to have some fun too. I want to go Ivy. I want the best education I can get, but I don't want everyone cramming it down my throat. I want it to be a good experience, not something I end up resenting because trying to get in made me feel like a worthless piece of shit.....
Well, that's that. I am going to go now, because I feel like my head is going to explode. Thanks for letting me vent...

How I feel right now...

Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day everyone. Thank you to the men and women who have risked their lives protecting us.
Check out my youtube tribute video I made for Memorial Day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdO-RbjlfU8

RIP all of those POW/MIA's.

Bringing Out My Inner Stephen King...

Well, I'm back. Havn't blogged in a while. So, lately I have been really busy with school as well as with SAT and all that stuff. Despite how busy I have been, I'm still not stressed out at all, which makes me feel wonderful. I love not feeling stressed. And I'm still feeling really happy lately. I must say, this happy outlook is really making life much more fun. So also, due to my busy schedule, I havn't been doing any creative writing lately. Makes me sad.  I miss writing. Thankfully though, I applied to Brown to take two classes over the summer. I signed up for a WWII history class and a creative writing class. I can't wait. I miss writing so much. I love being a part of writing classes, because I always come up with better work when I have a deadline. The word deadline, when it comes to writing, unleashes all my creative juices, and I love it. So, I am looking for writing prompts. I need to start writing. I can feel it in me. I need to write. I just need some ideas of what to write about. Maybe I'll sign up for an online writing course soon. Not sure, but I really need to write. As Stephen King said, a true writer will write something every day, even if they have nothing to write. So write I must!

Since I Am Dead, I Can Take Off My Head, and Recite Shakespearian Quotations...

So, school is almost over! Only 25 more days and then I am out for the summer. Yipeeeee!!!!!!!!!! Today is my Holocaust studies teacher's birthday, so last night I made 48 red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. I am going to give him 24 cupcakes, and then I brought a dozen cupcakes for my english class to eat, because I am a nice person, and as much as I LOVE cupcakes, I really don't need them. :p
So Jack Skellington's birthday is coming up soon. Now of course, I expect you all to know, from my last blog, that when I say Jack Skellinton, I don't meen the movie character, I am using the name for someone in my life. Just clarifying. His birthday is in July. I really want to go to his birthday, for I havn't seen him in 6 years, and he is extremely important to me, but I don't know if it would work out. How to get there and back, considering I don't yet drive. Could pose a problem. I don't know. Hopefully something will work out. And if I can't make it, I am supposed to meet up with him mom and little sister for coffee sometime this summer, when I am up north, so I can just give his gifts to them. I have two portraits that I've drawn of him, and a HUGE tim burton collage that I am making him. It's fun. I love collaging. Well, I am going to go. Class is going to start soon, and I need to go guard the cupcakes and make sure no one eats them.:p

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Things Are Going To Get Better. I Can Feel It.

Something has changed in me. It's as if I've woken up from a three year long fog. This calm was come over me, and I feel good. I don't know what happened. I just know that it's good. I'm seeing everything differently. I look around my class and seeing everyone, i no longer feel disgusted, but happy. I like the people in my class. And when I graduate, I will miss them a bit. Everything just seems better. I'm excited. All this crap from before, Gamer, Bestie, none of it matters anymore. So what? I'm over Gamer. I'm over caring about this Bestie thing. I'm fine with it. I'm moving on and it feels great. The year is almost over. In October, I will turn 18 and I'll be starting my senior year. I feel excited. I'm looking at the world from a new perspective. I'm changing. I'm so excited about everything. Life is good and it's going to get better. I can feel it! I'm really happy. But not like a mania. A calm, relaxed happiness. Everything is okay. I'm over all of it. This stuff I've been upset about and stressing about means nothing. I have so  much happiness that I want to burst. Being stuck in schools seems like a waste because there is so much I can be doing right now. I'm happy. I'm changing things. I have a new friend. She is SK's(Shiny Knight) gf. I'll call her Vivacious. She is really awesome. At first I thought I would hate her, because she's my ex's new gf, but I really like her. She is easy going, and has a similarish personality to me. It's nice having someone to talk to. A nice fresh start. I'm very thankful. I have to go. Class just started. Hasta luego!!!!! :D

Erase Me From Existance

Have you ever been erased from existance? Deleted from someone's life. I'm sure you have at least once. Gamer, as you know if you have read my last blogs, has told me he doesn't want me in his life. Well yesterday, Gamer and I talked, and it didn't seem to end on a bad note. Then today, I realized that he has deleted me not only from DA but also from FB... And for some stupid reason it hurts. It hurts knowing that the guy I've spent the last two days MAKING a card for (by hand) is literally deleting me from his life. And the worst part is, he won't tell me why. He won't talk to me.  I don't understand. I realize that I hurt him, but I wish he would give me a fucking chance to say what I need to say to him. He acts like the whole thing is my fault. It's not. He is part of the reason I broke up with him in the first place. He wasn't around enough. Never paid enough attention to me... And he blames me for the whole thing. What the fuck is wrong with him? I don't understand. He said we would be friends, and that we would try dating again in the future and now he's kicking me out of his life and I don't know why. I guess he just hates me, like most people do. I wish someone would just tell me why for once.

I Miss Him Already

So, life is okayish I guess. Not the best. Yesterday absolutely sucked. School was okayish yesterday, but it wasn't the best. I couldnt talk to Bad-Ass much. Then his dad told him he is no longer allowed to bring his phone to school. Which sucks. Then I lost my ring that Bad-Ass gave me, and still cannot find it. And then to top it all off, our cell phones have been shut off because we don't have the money to pay it. FML.

It sucked to say the least, and now today I am still pretty sad. I can't talk to my boyfriend anyway but with emails now, which sucks a lot. But he and I have been through that before, so it should be fine. Until then I just have to try as hard as I can to not miss him too much, which is proving to be difficult. Saw Psych wed. It was okayish. We talked about a lot of different stuff. It was sad bringing it all up and I got a little emotional, but didn't lose it. We talked about considering medication, again; I'm still a little unsure about the whole medication thing.

Well, I guess that is really all for now. My grandparents are taking me to see the orchestra tonight, so I'm excited.

Bad-Ass, I love you tons and I miss you already so much. This sucks and I can't wait till my phone is back on so I can call you. I love you!!!

Later

Something For The Pain, Just To Kill This Feeling

Hey. So last night sucked completely. Gamer has found a new girl at his school that he likes. I will call her Tyme. Tyme is like his perfect girl, geeky, videogame player, draws anime. Yeah she's great. Well, I guess he got sick of hearing me complain because I am jealous and stuff, because you know I love him. So, he sent me a text message asking me to forget about him and to not talk to him anymore. So he doesn't want me in his life, just like Bestie doesn't. And the worst part. My dream is really happening. It was Gamer, Bestie, Bad-Ass and a few other people. And what happened in that dream? Bestie and Gamer both got in the car and left me. The only difference is Gamer told me that he wasn't ever going to leave me. Well, surprise!!! So needless to say, last night I kind of had my first breakdown in a while. I was happy. I thought things were finally starting to work out. I was adjusting fine to not having Bestie anymore, and I was happy about school and things were starting to get good. But life can't let me be happy for longer than a day, so of course I had to have one of the most important people in my life tell me to stop talking to him.... Of course, I am hurt. My insides feel as if they are tearing apart and my heart has sunk faster than the Titanic. It hurts a lot. I really can't stand this. I am so sick of being so unhappy. Why can't I just be happy? I don't understand. If someone could at least give  me a reason why I need to lose everyone I care about, it would make it a bit easier. Because I can't even think of a reason why all this is happening to me. I need it to stop though so I can live my life in some state of sanity. But I don't know if that is going to happen. Until then, I get to feel really sad. The scary part is I am getting so used to being upset that last night after the initial heart tearing to shreads, my whole body went numb much faster than it ever has before. It's just great... Well, I have to go. School starts at 8 and I need to head to class.

I can do this.
I can get through it.
I am strong.

Wish me luck.

Except for You and Me Love, Everyone Is The Same

Aloha!!!!! So today is Spaghetti dinner at my school which is this dinner thing run by the junior class, which is me. Yay!

So, in other breaking news.... Well, not much has changed. I am listening to the best song ever. You should listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcrpp7bDh9Y . So listen to it. It is by the band Rise Against. Great band. It's because of Gamer that I know who this group is for it is his favorite band, and I understand why. I've been listening to nothing but Rise Against for the past 4 days straight... Yeah, I'm having a mini Rise Against obsession. It's good music. But out of all the songs I've heard from Rise Against, this is my favorite song so far... Awesome.

So, Valentines day was yesterday. It was bad. Bad-Ass and I got into a mini argument and it sucked. But then I got home and my whole day brightened because my gifts from Bad-Ass had showed up and I got to open them on Valentines day which was awesome. So it definately ended well. It was a good day in the end. It was very nice. So I have to go, because school starts in 10 minutes and I have to be in class in 5.

Oh yeah! And to show what a dork I am. Tomorrow my mom and I are going to see Brett Michaels at the Hard Rock. Yes I know cheesy. For those of you who don't know who that is, look him up/ look up the band Poison. Hahaha. Cheesy big haired 80's rock. I can't wait!!!! :p 
Later.

I'm Not Gonna Write You A Love Song

Hello there! So, valentines day... *sigh*

Okay, to get right into it I guess I will say, I don't like Valentines day. I really don't. Which may seem odd to some of you that know me because you know what a romantic I am. However, I really don't like Valentines day, and I never really have. Ever since I can remember valentines day was a day dedicated to "love" (not really) a day made for all the people in the world to show their love to others. And that's really nice. It is. The reason why I hate it is very simple. Ever since I was little it was always me watching everyone else be all lovey. Watching all the other girls in class get valentines because boys liked them, where I only got valentines because it was manditory to give everyone one, so that they didn't feel left out. Well shocker, I felt left out. Even today, 6 years later, I still feel left out. Yes I have a boyfriend. Bad-Ass is the best, and I love him tons but he's not here. So while at school, I get to listen to everyone talk about their valentines day plans with their bf's/gf's and I get to watch the school couples be all lovey dovey. And I, once again, get to feel left out. It's not Bad-Ass's fault. He lives super far away. I'm not mad at him or anything I'm really not. Location sucks. Oh well. I just hate the fact that all the single people and all the LDR people have to sit here and watch everyone bask in the love, while we get to sit here wishing (for the LDR people) that our loved one was with us so we could do something special. I want to do something special for Bad-Ass. I really do. Make him dinner and watch a movie or something, I don't know. Kinda hard to do thought when you are so far away.

Bad-Ass, I love you tons. Happy Valentines day.

For everyone else, happy valentines day. Hope your day doesn't suck as much as mine will.
Until next time.