Anywho, an update is in order, I suppose.
Things with family are still iffy. My dad and I haven't seen each other in over a year. It's not fun. I was trying really hard before, but decided it wasn't worth the pain, as I was getting nowhere, so I backed off. Recently he's started sending me little messages here and there, and while each time I see an email from him, it fills me with sadness, I'm not sure what to do. I miss him so much, yet I'm so unsure. Part of me thinks that if I did just run back to him, things wouldn't change. They would just be the same, and I'm not ok with that. When it comes to mom, stuff hasn't really changed either. She's there, but not really. We haven't done any counseling or anything, like I wanted. I guess I kind of gave up on that too. Things haven't really been great in that area though. A lot of bad stuff is happening with him and my little brother, but there isn't really anything we can do about it. I'd say more, but I really don't want to. :/
Anywho, my goal is still to get outta here. I want to be back in Boston, as I have always wanted to be. I have decided on which college I'd like to go to. I decided that based on what I would like to go to school for, and the kind of experience I would like, that Northeastern University would be the best school for me. So *crosses fingers*, let's hope it works out.
Things are ok, I guess. I've been working at my moms company, in a temp position, and I really like it here. It's my first full-time job, and I love getting bigger paychecks, plus it's an office job, which is work that I'm better at. Retail and I just do not mesh well. However, tomorrow is my last day there, and then I'm back on the hunt for a new job.
In other news, Mista J and I broke up, on Halloween, actually. Neither one of us was really happy anymore, so I ended it. I didn't want to, and it hurt like hell, but I knew I had to do what was best for the both of us.
Currently, I have a new guy. I'm going to call him......Atomic. I will call him that because he wants to be in the service, and plans on it, and wants to work doing all that chemical warfare stuff. He's really smart, a new Englander, and pretty humble. He's one of those people who thinks before he speaks, which is something I highly admire. He's kind of shy, like me, but not as bad as me. He's extremely different than anyone I've ever been with. I like it though. It's a good kind of different. He's not scared of hurting my feelings. He'll be honest with me, even if it hurts, and I appreciate that, as I am the same way. I'm pretty happy to have him in my life, and feel pretty lucky. I feel like he's the kind of guy who would actually help me grow, someone who would push me to be the best I can be. I need someone like that. He really is great though. I'm a lucky girl.
I'm really missing being up north. I wish I could be up there playing in the snow. I honestly got pretty jealous when the big snow storm hit. My friends kept sending me pictures of all the snow, and it made me want to be there so badly. One day, I'll be able to go play in it again. My depression has been acting up a lot lately. The past week I've broken down almost every night. The first night it happened, I had felt it building all day while I was at work. The minute I got home and jumped in the shower, I fell apart. I broke down 4 times that night. It was horrendous. I'm not sure why it's so strong right now, but I've realized that it really doesn't have a pattern anymore, not like it used to. And I can't feel it coming as much, so I don't get as much of a warning. My anxiety has been pretty bad too. Almost everything makes me shake and start to hyperventilate.
Maybe I'm just scared....
Not sure what there is to be scared of though...
Life?
Failure?
Not sure. But it's there.
Well, bye, until next time.
And even though no one is really there.... Thank you, for being there.
