I guess things are a bit difficult. I suppose I'm in a rut. You see, there are all these things that I want to do, but I don't know how to start. I'm going to start taking classes soon at the local college, even though I want to go to a University.
I really really want to move. Boston is still calling to me, but honestly, now that the whole family thing has happened, if I moved, I would be completely on my own, and I've never been on my own before... I don't know how to take care of myself, how to pay bills or manage money. I've never even had a job before. I'm trying to get stuff on track, but honestly I have no idea what I'm doing. Things with family are still kinda weird. My dad and I still aren't really talking, though I'm really trying. I'm planning on spending the weekend with him...I'm pretty nervous about it. I haven't seen my dad in a while. But in all honesty, I miss him a lot. I'm really hoping that it goes well, but I am prepared for it to go horribly... Just in case...
Things with mom are a bit different. She said she wants us to see a psych together, because we obviously have some unresolved issues. She admitted to me for the first time that she failed me as a mother... I had been waiting to hear her say that since she went all MIA as my mom. It made me so damn happy hearing her say that. She also admitted that she knows I'm not ready to be on my own, and most of that is her and dads fault for not teaching me things I need to know. I feel like if I leave now, she and I wont get that chance to mend our relationship, and I really want to. And if I leave now, how am I going to fix the relationship with my dad? Pretty much I feel like I can't leave.
At the same time, Mista J is up north, and I really want to be up there for school. I also feel like if I'm up there, going to school, I can try to have a real relationship for once in my damn life. My dad never let me go on dates, so I've never had a real mature relationship, and I really want one. I want one with Mista J. I want the real thing. I want dinner and a movie, or a quick coffee before class. And I feel like my future is laying open right in front of me, but I cant move forward because I stepped in a puddle of superglue and dried in place.
I guess in short, I'm scared. I feel like I've got a life ahead of me, just waiting for me to arrive, but at the same time, I feel like I'm not done here. I have family and growing that I need to do before I run off on my own.
I don't know what to do....
